Shelrie and I made our first podcast. I don’t know how much fun it is to listen to, but it was a lot of fun to make.

Our Five Favorite Movies Right Now

I don’t know if many of you read Benign Chaos, but, in case you do, I feel like I should give an explanation for recent posts over there… you know, the whole “Year of Joy” thing.

You see, I am desperately lonely. I eat every meal alone. I go throughout my day doing my chores all alone. I see Matt for an hour or an hour and a half every night before I go to bed. My days are filled with monotonous, repetitive housework; the children require lots of attention; and I do all of this completely alone, day after day.

So I’m trying to change the pattern. The one I have now is not working. My depression seeps through the house, filling it with a gray, sad fog.

And thus, the Year of Joy. Things have got to change. Myself and my family cannot keep living like this. So, anyways, that’s what all those posts are about.

So I’m trying to keep two blogs at once. With this one, I’m trying to write about family and friends, and with Benign Chaos, I’m trying to write about my journey through life. But the two are inseparable, aren’t they? One’s journey through life is all about family and friends. People and connections are at the very heart of being alive.

I probably would just combine the two blogs back into one except that I’m doing Benign Chaos with Shelrie, and she is really keen on podcasting. I’m excited and intimidated by the idea. I tried podcasting once already and found it very hard to act natural. But, the thing with Shelrie is: almost any activity you do with her turns out to be a fun adventure. So I’m jumping into my second podcasting attempt with a trusted and delightful friend.

I’m excited about the New Year; 2010 seems very very hopeful to me.

And a big hug and thank you to my extended family in England. We all had a wonderful Christmas. ♥

It’s been said many times before, but it is such an important and yet easily shrouded truth that I feel I really must state it again:

It’s okay to have boundaries with your children. Complete sacrifice is neither required nor healthy for you, your children or your family.

It’s okay to have boundaries with your children.

Love from a mom who is also trying to live this statement.

I am a dyed-in-the-wool introvert. I’ve always been an introvert, although there have been times in my life that it was less acute than others. However, as I spend day after day in the house with no company except two dogs and two preschoolers, I am coming dangerously close to a certain line that all introverts must stay wary of: I’m about two steps away from being a shut-in.

I have become more and more disconnected as the lonely days pass by. I play Warcraft or watch TV to bide the time, and with each passing day, I am just a little more disconnected from human interaction and the natural world.

Not a good place to be. Now I must find a way out of the dark cave I have wandered in. I’m sure I’ll find the exit, but it will take some probing. Becoming reconnected, after allowing almost all connections to lapse, takes time.

And to this very nice father-in-law I have lied about four times over the summer. He has continually asked for pictures of the children, and my reply has repeatedly been, “I’ll post those tonight!” but then I would never deliver on my promise. So to Dad-in-law, first a public apology for not being reliable and then the promised photos… finally.

We visited my grandmother in Tennessee in May.
We tried to wrangle the great-grandkids together
for a photo with Great Grandma. I’ll let you decide
whether we were successful or not.
16 May 2009

This is me and my siblings
with the paternal side of our family.
16 May 2009

The next day, while we were still all together in Nashville,
was Matt’s birthday. All the nieces and nephews wished him
a happy birthday in their own special way.
17 May 2009

Before everyone went home from Nashville,
we took a picture of Nana and Granddad with all the grandkids.
17 May 2009

Damian enjoys watching his cousin Cody play videogames.
03 July 2009

Damian fell asleep on the couch.
27 July 2009

I’m sorry that there aren’t more pictures. Besides not blogging, I also have not been taking many pictures. The summer of 2009 was extremely oppressive in Texas, and I got depressed with the drought and the triple-digit heat, as I think many Texans did. But, with the arrival of autumn and cooler temperatures and rain, my mood is starting to lift. It’s nice not being stuck in recycled air.

So I started a blog site with Shelrie and Shelly. Why, you ask. Because, like so many things I choose to do, it’s fun!!

So now my blogging time is split between this personal blog and the femme naturel blog I’m doing with my girlfriends. Here’s the link, if you’re curious: Benign Chaos.

I always tease Matt that the children are a product of our lovemaking — basically that from the power of sex comes a new human. But, as I watched the children sleeping in the bed this morning and gently stroked Lily’s hair, I realized that they are actually the product of our love, from conception to adulthood.

And that’s pretty cool… the power and magic of an honest and deep love between two people. With sex, one can create a new human, but with love, one can create life.

My husband’s parents left this morning. They stayed with us for nearly three weeks. It was really sad to say goodbye. Matt said when he moved to the U.S. that, though he missed England, it wasn’t the familiarity of his homeland that made it so difficult to move away; it was being so far from his family. Now that I have come to know them and how kind and fun they are, I understand intimately the depth of his feelings. It’s really hard to say goodbye when it’s time to leave.

Faith (or trust or belief or whatever word you use to signify following your heart — your inner calling — but being afraid of where it might lead or what you might become, or being afraid that it will, in fact, lead nowhere and that you are, in fact, completely full of shit and all of your inner dialogue is ridiculous fantasy) is not easy. It is very very hard at times.