So I have given myself a fairly rigorous work schedule, and I just can’t keep up with it. But there are so many things I want to do. To do them all, I have to have a very full day every day. And, currently, I am unable to keep up such a schedule. I don’t have the crazy energy that my mom has, although I wish I did. 🙂

Hmmm…. I thought I had more to say. I am supposed to write three “pages” a day in my journal. Of course, “pages” are pretty subjective on an online journal, so it’s more like “three pages worth.”

I can see my goals more clearly now, which is nice. But is is soooo much work, and… well… I’m kind of lazy. And to achieve these goals, I certainly need to quit being lazy. Lazy people can barely get into grad school and they certainly don’t graduate, and that is one of the foremost goals.

So how does one quit being lazy? Here is one of my favorite quotes:

Be aware of your thoughts because they determine your habits.
Be aware of your habits because they determine your behaviour.
Be aware of your behavior because it determines your character.
Be aware of your character because it determines your destiny.

I don’t think I need to change my thoughts. I’m pretty pleased with my desires and goals. But my habits are sadly lacking. And changing habits is no easy thing– that is a lot of work. But I shall keep trying.

In the vein of changing habits, Shelly and I are “buddies” now in our diet. We both desperately want to lose weight, and I read that having a buddy helps. You tell your buddy every day what you ate and what you did for exercise. This keeps your eating habits and your exercise habits upper-most in your thoughts. And, by keeping them at the forefront of your thoughts, you slowly change your eating and exercise habits. It certainly seems like a logical, sound idea. So we are going to try it! Once again, it’s a lot of work to write an email every day about what I have eaten and what I did for exercise, but I really do want to lose weight.

I have two reasons why I want to lose weight. The first is nothing by vanity: I want to look pretty. The second is for fun: I want to wear fun clothes! I love clothes! I have always loved clothes but been too shy and too displeased with my body to ever act upon that desire. But I am getting older! I don’t have time to be shy! There is a window for everything, and I want to do this while the window is open!

But losing weight requires discipline and work– neither of which I have in abundance. *sigh* But I shall try to change my habits… try to change my personality. After all, life is always about change, isn’t it?

On a completely different topic, Carla is unhappy and has been unhappy for a long time. I hate to see her like this, but I don’t know what to do. She seems adrift… lost. I wanted to talk to her about this. I don’t know if I can do anything to help. I doubt I can. But I really hate seeing her so unhappy…. every day, so unhappy. She has brief moments of light, and then she descends into the darkness again. And I don’t know why. Not enough money? Too many kids? Too much responsibility? All the work that four kids require (and it is a massive amount of work)? Her marriage? Not enough time to just be by herself? I don’t know what it is. But it makes me very sad. 🙁

April 3rd, 2004 | General | No Comments -