Angel’s Weblog

Gene is getting married, and I love him so much. I am sooooooo happy that he has found romantic happiness and love. It makes me want to squeeze him and hug him and tell him “Yes” a thousand times. I am so very happy for him.

I met a strange woman in a psychic class that Sarah and I are taking. At first, she was exciting because she was so unusual. She is in her sixties and has body piercings and is psychic and I was very happy to be meeting someone so far out from the mainstream. And then I talked to her for an hour and a half on the phone and I was exhausted by the end of it. I was playing therapist to all the psychological demons in her head. Matt said his mom had met plenty of people like her and he said, “They always find stable people to support their unstable personalities.” I was very sad. I don’t want to continue a relationship with this woman because it is physically exhausting just to talk to her. And I really wanted a friend. I was sad that it didn’t work out.

Oh my gosh, it’s 12:30am! That’s crazy! I need to go to bed. G’night.

I’m so tired today… so tired. I feel like I’m just logging time until Matt gets home…. I think I’ll go crawl back in the bed with the baby. She’s taking a nap right now.

So tired…

I hurt today and I don’t know why.

I thought of this poem last night when I was thinking of Matt and Gene.

The Road Not Taken
Written by Robert Frost in 1915

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I miss Gene really badly sometimes. I was an idiot — young and stupid.

I had an epiphany yesterday. Life is now and life is everything. I used to think “As soon as I finish the dishes, I’ll start my life,” or “As soon as the baby goes down for a nap, I’ll start my life,” or “As soon as I get the house clean, I’ll start my life.” But what I realized is that doing the dishes is life, feeding the baby her breakfast is life, cleaning the toilets is life. Life isn’t on hold while I do these things and then start up again when I do something I enjoy, like going to the park or eating a relaxing lunch with my family. Life is always.

Before I was impatient to get through the cleaning, hating every minute of it, because I wanted to get back to life. Now cleaning isn’t so bad. I no longer feel like I’m holding up my life to clean. It’s just part of life.

Hmmm… that wasn’t a very eloquent entry. Too bad I couldn’t think of better words to describe my realization. It really did make a difference. I don’t hate cleaning anymore.

Well, I’ve been feeling much better these last few days. I had been funking out pretty hard for a couple of weeks, and the fog finally lifted.

Matt and I have made a Financial Plan that I’m really pleased with. We’re posting the money coming in and where it is all going on the fridge in a “Need and Want List.” That way, our money situation is always visible. It’s easy to forget where the money is going and then spend it on frivolous crap you don’t need or even want after a couple of months. I’m really pleased with this idea.

And we’ve cut out sugar! Finally! It took forever to finally do it. I’ve been trying to cut out sugar for months now! I’m such a sugar-holic. One is too many and a million is never enough. I’m pre-diabetic (I had gestational diabetes and members from both sides of my family have Type II diabetes — these factors put me at high risk), and sugar was always trouble. It’s so nice to be getting the sugar monkey off my back.

So, I’m finally up. I hate being down. Some people say it’s necessary — cycle of life, yin and yang, that sort of thing — but why? I don’t like being down. I don’t want to be down. I don’t like being sick either. I like being happy, healthy and energetic. 🙂

And now the task I’ve been putting off for so long it has become a huge mess… The Bills. *sigh* What a mess I’ve let it become. Oh well, may as well start wading through the heap.

I feel like I’m running on a treadmill.

You know, I can’t be the only one who has thought of that expression: “running on a treadmill.” I’m going to google it and see how many hits I get……. okay, back. There’s another blog that used the expression and an Oingo Boingo song with the same name. Apparently, me and Danny Elfman think alike. How cool am I? 😉

Anyways, I’m getting nowhere really really fast… really fast………. really really fast…. nowhere.

And I’m getting really frustrated about it. And overwhelmed. And sad.

Always waiting… for the next cold front… for the baby to go to sleep… for the holidays… for the weekend… for Matt to come home… for a nicer home… for a better climate… for a bigger car…

Always waiting. Vaguely dissatisfied.

I don’t like this attitude of mine. I shall endeavor to change it.