Dec
16


Sleeping family.
16 December 2007

Matt and I have been co-sleeping with our children for three years now, since Lily was born.  The whole family, all four of us, sleep together in a king-size bed.  I mostly get looks of disapproval when I explain that we co-sleep, and both my mom and Matt’s parents have encouraged us to move the children out of the bed.  If you decide to co-sleep, expect to constantly defend your decision.

I thought a fair number of people co-sleep with their children, but my playgroup did an internal sampling.  We have about fifteen families in the playgroup, and only two of the families co-sleep.  I really was surprised by this.  I realize that we are by no means a random sample; the playgroup is all caucasian, all of us are housewives with bachelor degrees, and all of us are married to degreed husbands who have manager-type positions.  Not a random sample at all.  But still, I would have expected more of us to co-sleep with our children.

Now after three years of co-sleeping with two small children, I have some advice to pass on.  There are many benefits to co-sleeping.  I’m not going to list them here; you can google it.  However, there are several drawbacks.  The one you will notice first is the lack of sleep.  More people in the bed means less room, and the children, especially babies, will wake you in the night.  But you don’t get sleep as a parent anyway, so that one is actually pretty insignificant.

There is one drawback that needs to be fully considered though:  you don’t snuggle with your spouse.  And I don’t mean wink-wink nudge-nudge “snuggle,” but as in hugging, talking, touching, holding, being with one another snuggling.  This hugging, talking, touching, holding, and being with one another is an essential ingredient to the bonding of two people.  When you remove that, there is stress — real dangerous stress.

Co-sleeping nurtures the children.  The children are surrounded by love and sleep in love.  But there is a sacrifice for this — the relationship between the parents is not nurtured.  The nurturing shifts to the children.  And though the children do need this abundant love to grow into stable, confident, independent adults, your marriage also needs love — or, like all things left in a desert, it will wither and decay.

Matt and I learned this the hard way.  I’m still a proponent of co-sleeping, but, if you do decide to co-sleep, make sure to find a way to nurture the physical connection with your spouse.  Holding and whispering and soft conversations in the night help create a strong marriage.  And a strong marriage is a strong family.



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