It’s difficult to do everything that I want to do. I want so many things. I want to do so many things and I want material things. I asked Matt how to juggle the desire for material things with the desire to not become materialistic. I thought he had a very good answer. He said that it is a balance. He said that if you say you don’t want anything then you are living a lie. It’s natural and okay to desire things. But at the same time, you still help people and treat people with kindness and respect. I liked this answer.

Because I was thinking of all the things I wanted. My list of desires:

1) I want to own my own successful business writing novels on the web. And I want the sisters to work together and make lots of money so all of our families are well provided for. And this part may seem silly, but I really want an office that I can decorate! Isn’t that too bizarre? But there ya go. I already have large portions of the office laid out and decorated in my head. I see things in stores and think, “That will look so good in the future office of the future successful publishing company that I own and operate with my sisters.” I want cool, well-organized bookkeeping files for the future successful company as well.

2) I want to write novels that ring like poetry. I want to write stories that will live deep in the soul. I want to transform sentences into sonorous flowers and novels into lush gardens in which the reader can smell the scent and feel the air.

3) I want my home to be peaceful, homey, clean, and full of warmth. And I want all the clutter to be gone. I want it to be organized and simple-ish. I realize that I can’t be entirely simple because I like stuff, but I want it to be lot less cluttered and a lot more simple than it currently is. I want warm colorful walls, inviting furniture, and plants everywhere. I want a home that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I certainly don’t have that right now. My house makes me cry. It is always messy and very very uninviting– it is a place that I run from at the moment, and that’s very sad.

4) I want to wear cute clothes. I really really want to wear cute clothes. Witchy clothes. Flowing dresses that remind people of wind, vibrant jewelry, and pink lips. I am sick (very very sick) of being an unremarkable, beige piece of paper. I hear my destiny calling.

5) I want to explore my spirituality. I hear whispers in my heart beckoning me down that path.

These are my main desires. I go to bed with them buzzing around in my head, and I wake up in the morning still thinking about them ceaselessly.

Now. This moment. The first step. The next step. Only now. Only now exists.