I talked to my obstetrician for a long time about all my worries. I feel much more comfortable with her now. Since my pregnancy is classified as “high risk,” I will see her once a week until the delivery and Lily will be getting a biophysical profile once a week to make sure she is alright. Also, all my appointments are now with my obstetrician and not her nurses.

And I have a crush on my hematologist. I always feel awkward when I develop a crush on someone because I’m a married woman. Not that I would ever do anything with another man as I am extremely in love with my husband. My husband is perfect in every way, and I’m not just saying that — he really is an amazing man. But I always find it strange that I can develop a crush on another man even when I’m happily married. My hematologist is kind, gentle, cute and smart. These are all the same reasons I first developed a crush on Matt when I first met him — he was (and still is) kind, gentle, cute and smart.

So anyways, if a married woman happens to stumble across this entry and she is feeling like a bad wife because she has a crush on someone other than her husband, apparently it’s just nature. I love my husband and I’ll never cheat on him or leave him, but I still develop crushes on other men on occasion. Go figure. I have also discovered in my three and a half years of marriage that the crushes eventually go away, but the love you carry for your husband deepens with time. So, the crushes in the end are only slightly embarrassing and inconvenient, nothing that is really trouble.

I wonder if Matt has had a crush on any other women since we have been married. Of course, he will never admit it to me because I have a history of jealousy. When we were dating, my jealousy was legendary and scary. But when we got married, it really mellowed out. I think the jealousy was just a function of fear of losing him. Then, after we were married and I felt secure in our relationship, the fear — and therefore the jealousy — abated.

I’ve been in a go-go-go mood lately. I don’t know if it is all the Prednisone as steroids give you a ton of energy or if I am entering the nesting stage of pregnancy. Either way, I want to use this energy and motivation to “complete” the house. By complete, I mean unpack the rest of the boxes from the move, steam clean the carpets and couches, clear off the hard drive on my computer (it’s amazing how much junk will pile up in a hard drive), get household routines set up so that when the baby gets here things will run a bit smoother, finish putting contact paper down in the kitchen and bathroom cabinets…. you know, normal nesting stuff. I saw a film by the Monks of New Skete who raise beautiful German Shepherds. This one female German Shepherd was just about to have her babies, and she went into a flurry of activity getting her birthing area ready to have the puppies. That’s what I think of while I’m in this stage — I’m just like that German Shepherd getting my birthing area ready for my child. 🙂

I’m glad I’m feeling better. Sadness and depression are so hard to deal with. They sap the energy right out of your body, and you’re left huddled in a corner of your room nursing an internal invisible wound. It’s very annoying. I hate being incapacitated, and that’s pretty much what sadness does — it makes you sick and you’re stuck in bed; you may as well have the flu. Yuch.

Carla’s birthday is on Monday. I want to get her a really nice gift — you know, something that she really wants. Maybe I should ask Steve…