I’m really really tired. Deb and Lindsey came into town and we worked on the baby’s room all weekend. It’s beautiful. And it’s now 75% ready for the new arrival. We painted it, decorated it, and set up the baby furniture.

And now I’m exhausted. I can’t believe how much Deb and Bruce are doing for Matt and I. Deb worked hard all weekend on our baby room, and now she is helping me organize a baby shower. I don’t like giving parties. I always worry about people having a good time at a party that I throw. But Deb and Sonia both keep asking about a shower, and, the truth is, I want to do whole “baby experience.” And you really only have a shower with your first baby, so if I skip it, I’ll miss that part of being pregnant.

But people have done soooooooo much for us already. They have given us so much. And a shower is about more gifts to the parents to offset the cost of a new baby. But we’ve already been given so many gifts and so much love from our family and friends. It feels selfish to have a shower.

And we didn’t throw a shower for Carla when she was pregnant with Logan — and that makes me feel very guilty. 🙁 Carla’s pregnancy didn’t receive nearly as much attention as Shelly’s pregnancy, and I thought that was because Shelly had the first grand-baby in the family and everyone was so excited about that. I thought my pregnancy would be much like Carla’s: kind of overlooked because the first grandchild had already been born. But I’m receiving lots of attention and lots of gifts, and I’m feeling very guilty about it. Or maybe Carla received more attention than I noticed. I may have been in my own little world while Carla was pregnant and not noticed what was going on with her. I haven’t talked to Carla about any of this because I’m feeling very self-conscious. It’s difficult sometimes to be the center of so much attention… difficult in a very pleasant way because I feel so loved, but still a bit difficult.

I have a hard time writing boring stuff in my Live Journal. Usually, entries like this one only go in my private journal simply because they seem so mundane and uninteresting. I find that my journal entries are becoming more and more boring. One writes about what is on one’s mind, and of course I’m completely thinking of baby stuff. I mean, she’ll be here in about six weeks! But, geez, must it be boring to read!!

I’m going into the next stage of my life. I’m settling down. I’m about to have a child and all I want to do is keep my house warm and inviting for my husband and my baby, learn how to sew and cook, settle into a comfortable, happy routine. You know, really boring stuff. Well, not boring to me, but boring to outsiders. My conversation will be boring, my lifestyle will be boring. I will be as happy as a cat asleep in the warm sun, but I will not be nearly as interesting.

It’s hard to change. Even when you want the change, it still hurts a little on the inside. Goodbye, my hip young self. Hello, middle-aged mom.

I think I’ll like this stage though — I think I’ll like it a lot.

And my mom is coming to stay with me for two months after the baby is born. I’m so glad she’ll be here. Matt will be here to help me, but Mom has so much more experience with babies. I feel very alone during the day sometimes when Matt is at work and it’s just me and the dogs here at the house, and feeling alone and nervous with a newborn child was not something I was looking forward to. But now I’ll have my mom with me. I won’t be alone and Lily will have a much more experienced woman helping to look after her.

Gosh, it’s late. Matt and I meant to go to bed early tonight because we were so tired from the weekend (tired in a good way — the baby’s room really is beautiful). But then Matt’s boss phoned and he had to fix a problem with the database.

So much changing…. I’m very nervous and very excited….

We have to think of a really nice way to thank Deb and Bruce for everything they have done for us.