I just talked to Matt… well, first let me back up and give a bit of history. I’ve been feeling some very intense emotions these past couple of days since the nurse told me I was dilated and this baby was on her way to greet the world. I have mainly been feeling anger and resentment because all my free time will now belong to Lily and not to me. I told my sister that I felt like I should hold a wake for myself and mourn my passing as I will now just be an extension of my child. I’ve been very moody and cranky and, in general, not very good company to Matt. We’ve been very “off” with each other for the past couple of days… kind of snipey and moody with each other.

And of course I thought Matt must be feeling the same thing I was, so I asked him what was going on with him, expecting him to answer that he was feeling resentful about losing all his free time. He wasn’t feeling that at all. He said he was feeling inadequate as a provider.

I found this surprising at first and then interesting. We are both feeling intense emotions within our chosen roles in the family unit. I am the nurturer and caregiver, and all my energy and time must go towards this new little life now and not myself. Matt is the provider, and now he has a tiny baby that is completely dependent on him for a home, food, health insurance, money for pre-school and clothes, and all the other things the provider is responsible for.

That’s a lot of pressure for a man to be under. I don’t think it is easy to become a father. I’ve been so wrapped in all my own emotions and becoming a mother that I didn’t see what Matt was going through. This is a very emotionally intense time for both of us.