Jul
08

So Matt was reading my journal, and, regarding the last entry saying that I failed every day, he said, “That’s so sad.” And then Kelsey commented in the entry before that she did not view me as mediocre at all.

Those two comments together got me thinking: maybe I’m too harsh on myself. It’s funny how we can see the beauty in others so clearly but we view ourselves through a muddy mirror. I knew a woman when I was in college who was overly thin and she still truly thought she was fat even though she was actually underweight.

Why can we not see ourselves clearly?

An anime that I really enjoyed was Evangelion. I don’t usually enjoy nihilistic, dark anime, but this one had several ideas in it that I liked. One of the ideas that it presented that I had never thought of before was the idea that there exists a whole bunch of versions of ourselves. There is the perception of Angel that is in Matt’s mind. There is the perception of Angel in my daughter’s mind. There is the perception of Angel in Kelsey’s mind. Each one of these Angels is slightly different from the other.

And there is the perception of Angel in Angel’s mind. All these Angels exist in this world.

I don’t mean to get so down on myself. I think I’m going through some cognitive dissonance right now. I’m not a loser, and yet I’m overweight, my house is dirty, and I haven’t written a best-selling novel. And all this time I thought overweight, dirty house, unfinished projects = loser.

I’ve always told the children in the family how wonderful they are — that their worth and beauty is not based on their weight or their public accomplishments, and I truly believed what I said. I see the kids, and they are so wonderful and fabulous and I love being around them. But I never believed these truths for myself.

I guess I need to start believing in myself. Thirty-seven years old and just now deciding to believe in myself. It’s hard to change though. Habits and repetitive thoughts take awhile to change. But I’ve thrown out many destructive monologues before that I had playing in my head; I’m sure I can throw this one out too.



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