My Personal Midlife Crisis Defined in Elegant Terms
Damian and Lily playing with toy swords
17 March 2011
My life is mundane as FUCK! There. I’ve said it. And I’ve said it with a big bold cuss word so that there is no misinterpretation of the sentiment or the intensity.
I know what a midlife crisis is now. I’ve found my true love. I have the two kids. I have the dogs and the SUV, and very shortly, I will have the 3000 square foot house with the white picket fence. I’ve done everything that we set out for ourselves as responsible and reliable adults, or at least what is expected of us as responsible and reliable adults that we buy into completely. It’s the stuff of movies.
But what happens after the housewife moves into the 3000 square foot house in the suburbs to care for the children and the home? The movie ends after the purchase of the dream home. And the only movies they make after the dream is achieved all concern disaffected, disillusioned housewives leaving their husbands and children to find their soul again in Italy.
My personal midlife crisis involves lack of romance and excitement, lack of personal belief or vision. My ego has been mined out and replaced with the needs of the family as a unit. Each day is a monotonous repeat of the previous day, filled with housework and childcare. Everyday is a thousand yesterdays.
And I want off this fucking train. But I don’t want to leave my husband and children or move to Italy (Nothing against Italy or the Italians — they are awesome. I can understand why Italy is always the chosen home for the resuscitation of the soul.)
I haven’t figured out the answer to this puzzle, but it requires a bold statement. A commitment of the magnitude that only children conceive of because they don’t know that it’s impossible. And their ignorance, naivety, and joy then make the impossible possible. The kind of dream that you lose in your teens or twenties when embarrassment and social understanding curb your faith, worth, and excitement.
I’m tired. I’m tired of hurting all of the time because I have abandoned an important part of myself to live the housewife American dream. Tonight I sketch out ideas of reclamation. Tonight I embrace the socially awkward, geeky, excited, ambitious, silly, awesome part of myself. Tonight I reclaim my ego.
Angel on March 20th, 2011 | File Under The Life of a Suburban Mommy | 5 Comments -
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:35 pm
You go girl! Stake your claim, it’s never too late. My plan once I have achieved the “american dream” and start feeling this way is to buy an RV and travel to as many places as I can and take a million pictures. Of course that’ll have to be after my kids move out so hopefully I’ll be okay until then, if not I’m screwed, lol.
March 23rd, 2011 at 10:39 am
Hiya Tab!
I’ve found that some women do really well as housewives like Aunt Deb. It’s not that she likes doing the dishes, but she enjoyed being involved at school and being a troop leader. Those things made up for the dishes and the laundry. Unfortunately for me, volunteering at the school does not nourish me like it did Aunt Deb.
Since you’re a new housewife, it’ll be interesting to see how you like the gig. My prediction is that you will fall somewhere in between Aunt Deb and I. You share Aunt Deb’s genetics so you may enjoy the childcare like she does, but you also have an artist’s soul. I’ve seen your photos. There is a personal part of you that will need to be cultivated and encouraged in order for you to be happy. And when that gets stuck on the back burner for too long, that’s when things start going downhill.
But we’ll see. It’s nice having another housewife to compare notes with. 🙂
Angel.
March 25th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Well so far it doesn’t feel like I’m much of a “stay at home” mom but rather “on the go” mom. Our days have been so busy that I rarely have time to even post a daily blog. (Which I promised myself I was going to do everyday) So far though I’ve been enjoying the time with my kids and other friends and family that also have lots of time to visit with me. Aunt Deb is very nourishing but she still does crafts and jewelry to keep her busy when there is nothing else going on. I think it helps to that I have a goal in mind, whether it’s for photos or school or just cleaning the house. It helps me be more focused so I’m not all over the place.
May 3rd, 2011 at 12:00 pm
Hi Angel,
I stumbled onto your blog because I was looking for a good daily calendar. I am so puzzled and astonished with wonderment at the ways of this quirky universe of ours… that I should cross paths with you because I needed a calendar. (thanks, btw!)
I guess I’m just not much of a believer in coincidence. Like ‘Bear’, I often find myself ruminating on whether there is meaning in a series of events. “WHAT DOES THIS MEEEEEAN?!” Bumping into your blog, at this time… hmmmm… can’t help but wonder…
So, I thought I’d just drop you a line and say – I feel your pain! Been there. Done that. The depression, the feelings that my life is meaningless – like I missed my boat, I totally get you.
From my vantage point today –having come out of that tunnel (I decided three years ago to take back my life), I just thought maybe it would help to have a gentle reminder that there is and end to the tunnel. When I read some your posts I can see that there is a pretty cool chick at the heart of it all and that you are simply on a rough patch that will eventually bring you even further into your gift of helping others get through their rough patches. Speaking of patches… a little bio-identical estrogen ain’t a bad idea either. 😉
It might help you to take a look at some of your past insights to help re-focus your own soul. Your past words of encouragement aren’t just hot air. You released powerful energy in some of your posts. Maybe you can recycle it for your own benefit!!! It helps me to remind myself that I do have something to offer and that I am a part of a bigger picture.
In regard to the mommy/wife crisis: All I can say is:
Mommy: Don’t blink… drink! Next thing you know, all your hugs and snuggles will be in texts. Drink them in now because time flies. My little ones have left our nest and although I have gone through many a time of feeling like I was giving away the best years of my life, I wouldn’t trade what was built in terms of relationship with my kids. Even with all the typical struggle and drama, my 20-year-old-very-cool son puts his arm around me in public and my 22-year-old-roller-coaster-ride daughter wants to cuddle on her couch when I visit. Don’t underestimate the importance of today and who you are to them!!
Wife: Don’t talk… neck! At every opportunity, nurture that special thang you have (had) with that man of yours. When the chicks fly (and they will, the next time you blink), you will be left with him and it will do you good if he’s still your best friend on that day. I’ve been married to mine for nigh on thirty years and I must say that things have never been better. But it was a choice. Through some of the toughest times, we had to choose to draw close. Get a baby sitter. Go on a date. Get Slow Love: A Polynesian Pillow Book http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Love-Polynesian-Pillow-Book/dp/0980029708
(Read it together naked), take a walk holding hands. Don’t wait for him… YOU do it!!! Let him love you and know that he is loved by you. And seriously…. consider the hormones!
Just a few other tidbits:
Yoga has saved my life. (These guys rock)
It’s never too late to start again. The next time could be the one to turns the tide.
That’s all. Hope it is encouraging to you!
A new friend,
Kathy
May 3rd, 2011 at 12:02 pm
My yoga link failed… Let me know if you’re interested! :)K