{"id":197,"date":"2008-04-25T21:32:15","date_gmt":"2008-04-26T02:32:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/angel\/blog\/?p=197"},"modified":"2008-04-25T22:02:58","modified_gmt":"2008-04-26T03:02:58","slug":"not-living-not-dying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/?p=197","title":{"rendered":"Not living, not dying…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"
\nMatt, Damian, and I
\nSurfside Beach, Texas
\n20 April 2008<\/p>\n

I returned an aquatic plant to Petco yesterday.\u00c2\u00a0 Our Macquarium betta tank<\/a> is a very low-light tank.\u00c2\u00a0 The java fern, java moss, and moss ball are doing really well with the extreme low light, but this other aquatic plant (I don’t know what it was) was not thriving.\u00c2\u00a0 When I was talking with the manager, I told her, “This little guy is not doing well in my tank — not living, not dying.”<\/p>\n

As I was driving home, I was thinking about that statement: not living, not dying.\u00c2\u00a0 When I talked about it\u00c2\u00a0with Mom and Deb, I mentioned that it was the environment that had created that condition, and what environments did they think created the same condition for people.\u00c2\u00a0 Mom immediately said, “Work.”\u00c2\u00a0 They started naming jobs that destroy the human spirit: mining, factory work, etc.<\/p>\n

But as I was lying in bed this evening, getting the baby to sleep, I was planning and prioritizing.\u00c2\u00a0 What do I need to do?\u00c2\u00a0 What is the first step?\u00c2\u00a0 Everything in my life seems beyond my control.\u00c2\u00a0 I feel like I have too much to do and too little time, so I get farther and farther behind and finally give up… which of course leads to mild depression.<\/p>\n

I was thinking: first things first, I need to clean up.\u00c2\u00a0 Clean up my body, clean up my house, clear my mind.\u00c2\u00a0 I am suffocating in clutter and mess, inside and out.\u00c2\u00a0 I feel like I’m living in a fog from all the unhealthy food, abuse of caffeine, and lack of exercise.<\/p>\n

And I thought of that statement again: \u00c2\u00a0not living, not dying.\u00c2\u00a0 And I’m going to tack\u00c2\u00a0on another\u00c2\u00a0quote from Crazy Sexy Cancer<\/a>:\u00c2\u00a0 “Fish are only as healthy as the water they swim in.”\u00c2\u00a0 What if we ourselves<\/em> are creating the toxic environment that does not allow us to thrive?\u00c2\u00a0 The fast food, the lack of exercise, the fast-paced life filled with\u00c2\u00a0cheap, disposable stuff\u00c2\u00a0— this is the environment we create voluntarily.\u00c2\u00a0 And through our own actions<\/em>, we simply exist.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 We live a life dampened and covered in a haze of fog.\u00c2\u00a0 Not living, not dying.<\/p>\n

So I’m beginning an experiment.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m cleaning up my personal environment.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ll let you know what it’s like — if there is any difference — on the other side.\u00c2\u00a0 But it will take awhile.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve made quite a mess of my body.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Matt, Damian, and I Surfside Beach, Texas 20 April 2008 I returned an aquatic plant to Petco yesterday.\u00c2\u00a0 Our Macquarium betta tank is a very low-light tank.\u00c2\u00a0 The java fern, java moss, and moss ball are doing really well with the extreme low light, but this other aquatic plant (I don’t know what it was) […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marathon"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=197"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/197\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.angelsdesk.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}