Lily, Matt, and I in Surfside, Texas
Thanksgiving 2005

I haven’t slept in days. I am riding solely on steroids and caffeine.  The steroids only allow about five hours of fitful sleep each night, and when day comes, my child wakes up and I have to stay up with her.  That’s when the caffeine comes into play.  I told Matt that if it wasn’t for these two drugs, I would be so very very asleep right now.  But as it is, I’m quite awake, but my body is starting to become run down.

I don’t know if you have ever seen before and after pictures of people who have become addicted to amphetamines.  In the “after” pictures, they look so gaunt and haggard — worn down to nothing.  I know now why that is.  Their bodies never stop.  I am awake as if I were normally awake, but I can feel my body becoming… well, I’ll use a quote from Fellowship of the Ring to describe the sensation since Bilbo Baggins came up with a very accurate description for amphetamine (or steroid) use: “I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.”

Only one more day on the steroids though.  It’ll be nice to get some sleep again.  My body really is beginning to wear down.

The first night Lily slept in her new toddler bed.
01 October 2006

Today was supposed to be about solidarity.  Today was supposed to be the day that Lily and I gave up our addictions together.  I was going to be there for her; I was going to go through the pain, the withdrawal and the almost unbearable cravings as she went through them.  She is giving up the breast (or “bapu” as she calls it) and I am giving up sugar.

She went the whole day with no bapu.  She usually nurses three times a day: once as she goes to sleep for her nap, once when she wakes up from her nap, and finally when she goes to sleep for the night.  Today she had no bapu at all.

And I know it wasn’t easy for her.  I know this because we also went grocery shopping today and I had to pass by the pastry section not once, but twice!  I forgot apples and had to pass by the pastry section a second time to go back for them.  The desire — the craving — it’s palpable.  It’s as real as a freezing cold solid steel wall that you feel backed up against, cornered like a starving animal.

But I resisted!  I resisted for my baby.  We were going through withdrawal of our addiction together, man!

But then I passed by a center aisle display for HEB Chips Galore cookies for which I had a coupon to get a free pack.  Did I resist?  No. :(  I cheerfully pointed them out to Matt and said, “I have a coupon for a free package of these.”  And in they went into the cart.

Did I resist them at home?  No.  Matt, Lily and I ate more than half the package of those cookies.

I caved into my addiction.  Lily had no bapu, but I ate sugar like the heroin addict that I am.

Truth is, it does make me sad.  I really did want to go through this with Lily.  I know how hard it is for her to give up the bapu.  It’s her comfort.  We snuggle together and I stroke her head and back while she nurses; it’s a very peaceful and loving act that we share.  But now it’s time for her to be weaned, and it’s really hard for her.  And I want to go through this with her.

I will do it with her.  I will give up my addiction as she gives up hers.  I do want to do this with my baby and have a deeper understanding how hard it is for her.  I don’t want her to go through the pain alone.

Solidarity can and will win over lack of willpower.

This is one of Lily’s favorite outfits.
She picks it out herself, and she dresses herself.
At the tender age of two, she is already showing
an incredibly fun sense of style.
I hope it doesn’t disappear when the sensitive,
awkward, self-conscious female teenage years hit.
Or if it does disappear, I hope she rediscovers it
in her 20s and plays with color and self-expression again.
(Those are my socks, by the way.
I don’t look half as cute in them though.)
10 November 2006

I’m on steroids. My platelet count was 10 today (a normal person’s count is between 150 and 300), so my hematologist put me on a pulse pack of 40mg of steroids for four days.  That’s why I’m doing another journal update today and at 11pm at night.  That’s also why Matt took Lily for a drive.  She’s been crawling on me all night like I’m a jungle gym, and I couldn’t take it anymore.  He took her for a drive for two reasons: 1) to give me a break, and 2) to get her to fall asleep.  Apparently, she’s having insomnia too.

Sarah and her friend, Mika, brought me hot chocolate tonight.  They were grocery shopping at Walmart, and they phoned and asked if we needed anything.  I told them that Matt and I were faking winter (the high was 81 today….. 81… in November….. eighty-one…. global warming is a myth, my ass), so Matt was wearing his flannel pajamas and I wanted hot chocolate and Cool Whip.

They are such sweeties.  I need to post a picture of Mika so everyone can put a face to the name.  Anyways, on their way home, they detoured by our house and dropped off the hot chocolate and Cool Whip.

I was being silly while I was making my hot chocolate, reading the ingredients aloud to Matt because the amount of sugar was just so phenomenal it was funny.  The first ingredient on the hot chocolate packet was “sugar” and the sixth ingredient was “corn syrup solids.”  And I said to Matt, “And then you add sugar by topping it off with Cool Whip,” and I began reading the Cool Whip ingredients.

The Cool Whip ingredient list wasn’t as funny though; it was more disturbing.  Every ingredient, with the exception of “water,” was really bad for your body.  At least the hot chocolate used real sugar, not the scary “high fructose corn syrup.”

The ingredient list for Cool Whip: “water, corn syrup, hydrogenated vegetable oil, high fructose corn syrup.”  I didn’t list the unpronouceable “contains less than 2% of the following” ingredients.

Geez, the garbage we feed ourselves and our children.  The “obesity problem” of Americans seems straight-forward to me: garbage in, garbage out.

I wonder when — or if — I’ll go to sleep tonight.  Steroids are a lot like amphetamines as far as being unable to sleep goes.  (I wonder if steroids are amphetamines.)  Maybe that’s why people get so irritated on them — they’re just so tired but can’t go to sleep.

Niko and Lani
10 November 2006

A story with an educational ending that I’ve been meaning to tell:

While Matt was away in San Diego for his tradeshow, Lily and I went to San Antonio for a visit.  I remembered to pack everything I needed and even several things I didn’t need… except for underwear.  So when Bruce stopped by Walmart to pick up some groceries, I went to buy some underwear.  Kels was with me, and we browsed all the fun prints.

Now, I’ve been wearing unadorned, uninteresting, white cotton underwear for years.  After having a really enjoyable time browsing fun cuts and silly, colorful prints with Kels, I came home with eight pairs of bright underwear in geometric prints.  Every day starts off with a smile now as I slip on my colorful underwear.

What’s the educational ending, you ask?  Well, if you’re over the age of, say, 35 and you have forgotten the happiness of fun bright prints, go shopping for underwear with a 17-year-old.  It will remind you that color is delight.

    

Lily blowing bubbles in the bathie.
10 November 2006

I have new cute pictures so I wanted to post, but I don’t have anything in my head to post about.  Though I have been wondering when to officially call a blog “dead.”  Shelly has started two different blogs now, and, with both blogs, she posted two or three posts and then nothing.  Do I remove the link?  Dudley’s blog was dead for years and recently just came back to life.  Of course, Dudley being Dudley, he never posts anything personal, and me being me, I want to read personal stuff… but so it goes. 🙂

Then there are bloggers like Lindsey and Justy; they post only once every two or three months.  Then you have Kelsey and I; we post once or twice a week.  And as someone who posts my thoughts quite frequently, I also like to read my friends’ and family’s thoughts quite frequently… but so it goes. 🙂

Lily and I watching TV.
24 September 2006

I have wanted to post an update all week, but it’s been a really hectic week. Matt’s been in San Diego for a tradeshow with HotSchedules, and Lily and I have been by ourselves.  Lily has a slight cold and misses Daddy (she has been asking “Where’s Daddy?” all week) — those two things combined have made her clingy, whiny, and high-maintenance.

But Matt comes back tonight.  Yay!  We’ve really missed him.  And the truth is, the tradeshow went really well, so it’s a good thing he went.  But we did really miss him.  Our little family had a hole in it for a week, and Lily and I felt it.

Lily isn’t weaned.  And I haven’t given up sugar.  I’ve really got to do those two things.

Hmmm… not much of an update, but at least it was an update.

Lily
01 September 2006

So, at the baby’s naptime, I sat down at my computer to write. I pulled out my poor unfinished novel, and, as I was reading over it, I saw it in a new light.

I didn’t want to finish it.  I didn’t want to do it.  The obsession was missing.  The desire, the drive — the need — had vanished.

Isn’t that weird? 

I always thought it was to be a life achievement for me, to write a book.  But perhaps it’s not.  It just goes to show you that you should never assume anything about the future.  Live in the now.  Enjoy the now and don’t waste your life sitting in anticipation of the future because the future may be nothing like you imagine.

Well, that’s one 2006 goal taken care of.  That’s the funny things about goals as well: they are liquid.  I suppose some folks have goals that are as solid and unmoving as mountains, but not mine.  My goals are a stream in a forest meadow and the dappled sunlight dances off their constant movement.

Where does that leave my urge to write?  Who knows.  Who knows what tomorrow holds, or where desire will lead me.

Right now, I have a desire to get projects completed and the house ready for this baby.  I am definitely in the hard-core nesting phase of pregnancy.  I am constantly cleaning and organizing.  I am 30-weeks pregnant.  Lily was born at 38 weeks.  If this baby comes around the same time, then I have only 8 weeks left!

And I still have one more 2006 resolution to complete: get off sugar.  I think I might switch that one to: live a healthier lifestyle.  However, “live a healthier lifestyle” is too nebulous to be a goal.  It needs to be more concrete.  Something like “eat smaller portions and exercise.”

Americans, and Texans in particular, eat huge portions.  It’s quite silly how much food we put on our plate or how much is served to us at a restaurant.

Well, anyways, blah blah blah.  This has become a very meandering entry.  I think it’s time to stop and think things through in a more private medium.

Okay, I tried to do a quick and dirty job at a Thanksgiving theme, but it looked like shite.  Say it with me, “shite.”  So I just grabbed one of the themes that came with the latest WordPress download.

There’s some really cool design out there.  Themes are neat.  I love the idea of skinning your site… or re-skinning your site whenever the mood hits you.  There’s even a WordPress plug-in that allows you, the surfer, to skin the site in whatever theme suits you.  I have already decided to play with that plug-in when time allows.

Of course, with a second baby coming along soon, playing with plug-ins may be years off… seriously.  In two to three months from now, my life will belong to my children for a couple of years.  As they get older, I will slowly gain some time back to myself, but for a few years, I belong to these two little human beings.  “Mommy” will be my only identity for awhile.

Good thing there are lovely WordPress themes developed by the community to satisfy my need to change the look of my website.  I won’t have the time to do the work myself.

Lily helps me set the table every night for dinner.
Recently, she’s been putting her stuffed animals and dollies in the chairs.
In this picture, you can see a dollie in each seat,
or at least you can see the top of the dollie’s head.
26 October 2006

I just realized that I need to change my WordPress theme now that Halloween is over.  That passed quickly, didn’t it?  I guess I should do a Thanksgiving theme.  A Christmas theme would be easier because there is so many cute Christmas icons out on the web, but really, I can’t skip Thanksgiving.  The stores are already doing that for us.

By the way, I never did export this Halloween WordPress theme.  That doesn’t mean I won’t ever, just means I won’t for Halloween 2006. 🙂

Some interesting photos from Halloween last night:

Halloween at Lakeline Mall
31 October 2006

So I ask Matt after I notice the camera flash going off a couple of times last night, “Are you taking pictures of my butt?” He pauses for a moment, trying to make sure he gives the right answer, and then says, “Yes.”

Here’s another picture he took:

Halloween at Lakeline Mall
31 October 2006

There’s not a single picture from last night that has my face in it.  Lily is the rock star now, and I’m just with the band. 🙂