So I’ve been writing every day while the baby takes her nap. And writing can be very difficult sometimes because you don’t know if what you have written is utter shite or not. So I have a quote I have been repeating to myself to keep the doubt at bay: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

So the doubt came creeping at my doorstep today, and I repeated my mantra: “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” I would write a book. And not just a book — a masterpiece — a novel that would touch someone.

I would connect.

And that’s when it dawned on me why I write. It’s to connect. Other people go to parties or talk on the phone. I write. I write to connect… to feel another.

And now I know why I love to write. It’s a lovely reason, don’t you think? 🙂

I’ve been surfing blogs, and quite a few blogs post a picture with each entry. I really like this idea. I probably won’t post a picture with every entry, but I am going to start posting pictures. Photos are very entertaining.

This is my super amazing husband (sometimes I can’t believe my luck in having him for a husband) and my beautiful daughter in a trackie that her Auntie Shelly bought her for her first birthday.

Writing is actually fun this time. I’m going slower and not putting so much pressure on myself to already be finished. I’m trying to craft each sentence, each paragraph. It’s a lot of fun.

But it does take time. I probably spent four hours on writing today. I don’t know if I can spend that kind of time everyday. I still need to cook, do the dishes, the laundry, balance the check register, pay the bills, take Lily to her playdates, give Lily her bath, etc etc etc. Being a housewife is a tough gig. And very time-consuming. But writing offers me peace so I can be a better mom and wife, so I think it’s necessary to keep it in the normal routine.

I feel restless. It’s an undefined sense of need and desire pushing on the inside of me. Do it! Do it!! But my subconscious has failed to tell me what “it” is. So I feel restless with no direction.

A craving, a yearning, a hunger… but for what?

Create.

“Hey Chiquita, what’s up with the new layout?” you ask. Well by golly, let me tell you. I’m playing around with the design for my fabulous new website and I had to change the colors and width of my LJ to fit into the design. Matt made the design for me. He’s quite creative. It’s obvious that he’s his mother’s son. (His mother is a very talented artist.) Check it out: Angel’s Desk.

I did it! I registered a domain and signed up for hosting! I’m so excited! I’m just so happy. *sniff sniff* I think I’m going to cry.

It will take a couple of days for the domain name registration to complete and the DNS servers to populate. My domain name is www.angelsdesk.com. What will I put up? I have to come up with a design! I’m so excited. Lovely domain… lovely lovely domain… :))

I love this woman’s blog. All the other blogs I read regularly are people who I know. This lady, Andrea Scher, has such interesting thoughts about life, and I love her photography! It makes me want to go get a camera and photograph the world. I’ve even been cruising Nikon’s and Canon’s websites. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a decent camera.

I’ve also been longing for my own website. That desire should burst open soon; it has been building inside of me for awhile. And I’ll have my own website again. A home on the web again — a place to create. *sigh* It’s been a long time. I just haven’t settled on a domain name yet….

Man, have I been funked out! One of three things could have caused it: 1) my monthly emotional cycle; 2) I’m taking Claritin everyday right now because of the Cedar and the Claritin may be causing it; or 3) I gave up sugar for the New Year. I haven’t had sugar since midnight Dec 31st, and I may be going through sugar withdrawal — yes, such a thing exists :). (Sugar is bad news for a lot of folks in my family. Our minds and bodies can’t handle it. My dad and my uncle have already developed Type II diabetes, and my mom and I are headed that way unless we clean up our diets.)

I really hope it’s not the Claritin. Cedar pollen will be in the air for another month-ish, and I have to take it everyday just to function.

Anyways, I feel the clouds clearing in my mind. I hate being in a funk — just hate it. And Matt feels the full force of my funks because he lives with me. I’m adding exercise into my daily routine to help defend against the funks.

Yesterday, I asked Matt why he really believed that I would quit eating sugar this time. I’ve tried so many times and failed. What made this time different? He said that you have to believe every time you try something, or you are just setting yourself up for failure. And, the funny thing is, I do believe I’ll do something every time I try it — every single time I try something, I believe in my heart that this will be the time I succeed. And then one day, I turn that corner without even realizing it, and I succeed.

This time I really am going to do regular exercise. This time I really am going to write a book. This time I really am going to stay off the sugar.

This time, I feel great!

I tried to write last night, and I wilted. I can write until I’m blue in the face in my journals (online and off), but, when I sit down to write my novel — my opus — I crumple up into the corner, destroyed by my own doubts and lack of self-confidence.

It’s so silly really. Why would I be given the desire to write, but then the crippling doubt that makes it nigh impossible? I don’t have writer’s block; I have writer’s doubt.

*sigh* I’ll try again tonight. One night, I’ll break through that wall of doubt and be on the other side. 🙂

I’m in the mood to write. I’m in the mood to create. But the reality of the situation is that we have all been sick for a week, and the house has become… well… let’s just call it “messy,” shall we? That’s a nice euphemism. We also have no clothes, and all my plants are begging for water. Everything was on hold for a week while we wallowed around in misery, and I prayed to {insert name of god here} to just let me and my family get better and out of that microcosm of pain.

What story should I write? A fantastic story? An inspirational and silly story? An autobiographical story? Whatever I choose to write in 2006, I need to actually finish a story. Shelly has this problem as well. Many beginnings and no endings. And Shelly is a very good writer; she writes romances.

I was thinking about Shelly and her lack of self-confidence when it comes to her own writing. I’ve read the beginnings of her stories, and she’s very good — real potential. But she doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see her own talent because her debilitating doubt blocks the view. And of course I thought of myself. Matt is always telling me that I am a good writer. Maybe I am. Maybe my own debilitating self-doubt blocks my view.

Shelly and I both want to finish a book this year. Maybe 2006 is the year. Maybe this is our year. 🙂