Matt and I were very excited about Thanksgiving weekend because it was four days with our little family together.  It was a very hectic four days with lots of cooking and visiting and travelling to and from San Antonio in one day to see Bruce’s gig (we had a very good time and enjoyed seeing Bruce out with his band very much — well worth the trip) and I made myself ill on Friday from eating sweets (I definitely have gestational diabetes — Matt threw out all the sweets in the house so I wouldn’t be tempted because they really do make me ill now).  But even with all the craziness, we had a great four-day family weekend.

And we wrapped our weekend on Sunday with putting up Christmas decorations.  All three of us were wiped out from the previous days, so Matt made himself coffee and made me tea, and he put on Christmas movies. Using caffeine to boost our lagging energy, we put up the decorations.

While putting up decorations, Lily and I put on a fashion show.  I was trying on a very pretty black dress that Mari, one of Carla’s co-workers, gave me.  It’s a bit bold to wear because it’s made of lycra material and proudly displays the baby belly.  I was adding red ribbon to make it Christmas-y and seeing if it would work as a Christmas dress.  I kept trying different combinations and asking Matt what he thought (Matt continued to put up Christmas lights all around the living room with Christmas movies playing in the background while Lily and I played with clothes).

So while I was trying on clothes and prancing in front of the mirror and showing Matt different choices, Lily started doing the same thing.  I think she came up with a lovely ensemble.

Lily showing Daddy the clothes she picked out.
26 November 2006

We also have pictures of Lily decorating the tree.  It was her first time to put Christmas baubles on the Christmas tree and she had a very good time.

Lily decorating a Christmas tree for the first time.
26 November 2006

Lily decorating a Christmas tree for the first time.
26 November 2006

The Christmas season has begun. Merry Christmas. 🙂

Dave, Ray, Casey, Justin, and Matt
at a HotSchedules company retreat in Billings, Montana.
(One of the reasons I like Matt’s work so much
is that all of the men are genuinely nice guys just like Matt.)
January 2006

• I installed IE7 and I like it very much. The tabs are very nice, and I’m especially impressed with the “ClearType.” It really does make the words on the monitor easier to read.

• Sugar makes me feel terrible.  It makes me weak, lethargic, and grumpy.  I think I have gestational diabetes, but I haven’t had time to take the test even though my OB has ordered it.  I really need to take care of that.  And I really need to quit eating sugar.

• I keep waiting for winter and rain.  Year after year passes, each one hotter and drier.  It was 80 degrees yesterday… on Thanksgiving.  I need to accept that we have permanently altered the climate on our planet even though that fact makes me extremely sad.  We  screwed up through a combination of naivete and greed, and now we need to stop the damage and fix whatever we are able to fix.

• I have a wonderful husband.  Sometimes I am moody, high-maintenance, indecisive, and uncommunicative, and he always treats me with kindness and love.  I can’t believe my luck because falling in love and marrying is definitely part luck.  The universe gave me the most amazing gift it could ever give me on the day I met my husband.

• I have to resize my photos again and make them a little smaller so that they will fit in the fixed column width of the Christmas WordPress theme I want to use.  I don’t like making my photos smaller; you can’t see details.

• I really like the fact that this Christmas WordPress theme was created by a woman (so was the last chocolate stripes theme I was using).  I love it when women create techie stuff.

• I love my husband.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving day with Carla’s family and their friend, Bones.  It was Carla’s birthday yesterday, so we also celebrated Carla’s birthday today.  Some pictures from our Thanksgiving:

Matt and Bones lighting 37 candles on Carla’s birthday chocolate pie.
Thanksgiving 2006

 

Logan and Carla blowing out the candles.
Thanksgiving 2006

 

Logan, Sarah, and Lily playing in the living room.
(Note Carla already doing the traditional
Tryptophan Thanksgiving Crash on the Couch.)
Thanksgiving 2006

And what am I thankful for today? Well, the most important thing in my life and the thing I am most grateful for is my family.  But, to choose something specific to this year, I’m grateful for Matt’s job which allows me to stay home with the children.  I know that being a stay-at-home mom is not a given in today’s world, and it’s not something that I should take for granted.  Matt also really enjoys his work, his boss and his co-workers.  I am very thankful for Matt’s job, and also very thankful to have Matt.  He really is an amazing husband and Daddy.

Shelley, Josh, Grace and Glenn Staggs with Santa
Christmas 2005

The anniversary of Glenn’s death is coming up, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot.  I wanted to post a picture of him; I want everyone to see his smiling face.  I like that he is in my thoughts right now.

Glenn may no longer physically be in this world, but he definitely left a presence.  He left behind goodness and warmth and laughter in people’s hearts.  He didn’t just come into the world and leave — he left it a better place than when he got here.  And that’s a life worth living, isn’t it?

Lily, Matt, and I in Surfside, Texas
Thanksgiving 2005

I haven’t slept in days. I am riding solely on steroids and caffeine.  The steroids only allow about five hours of fitful sleep each night, and when day comes, my child wakes up and I have to stay up with her.  That’s when the caffeine comes into play.  I told Matt that if it wasn’t for these two drugs, I would be so very very asleep right now.  But as it is, I’m quite awake, but my body is starting to become run down.

I don’t know if you have ever seen before and after pictures of people who have become addicted to amphetamines.  In the “after” pictures, they look so gaunt and haggard — worn down to nothing.  I know now why that is.  Their bodies never stop.  I am awake as if I were normally awake, but I can feel my body becoming… well, I’ll use a quote from Fellowship of the Ring to describe the sensation since Bilbo Baggins came up with a very accurate description for amphetamine (or steroid) use: “I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.”

Only one more day on the steroids though.  It’ll be nice to get some sleep again.  My body really is beginning to wear down.

The first night Lily slept in her new toddler bed.
01 October 2006

Today was supposed to be about solidarity.  Today was supposed to be the day that Lily and I gave up our addictions together.  I was going to be there for her; I was going to go through the pain, the withdrawal and the almost unbearable cravings as she went through them.  She is giving up the breast (or “bapu” as she calls it) and I am giving up sugar.

She went the whole day with no bapu.  She usually nurses three times a day: once as she goes to sleep for her nap, once when she wakes up from her nap, and finally when she goes to sleep for the night.  Today she had no bapu at all.

And I know it wasn’t easy for her.  I know this because we also went grocery shopping today and I had to pass by the pastry section not once, but twice!  I forgot apples and had to pass by the pastry section a second time to go back for them.  The desire — the craving — it’s palpable.  It’s as real as a freezing cold solid steel wall that you feel backed up against, cornered like a starving animal.

But I resisted!  I resisted for my baby.  We were going through withdrawal of our addiction together, man!

But then I passed by a center aisle display for HEB Chips Galore cookies for which I had a coupon to get a free pack.  Did I resist?  No. :(  I cheerfully pointed them out to Matt and said, “I have a coupon for a free package of these.”  And in they went into the cart.

Did I resist them at home?  No.  Matt, Lily and I ate more than half the package of those cookies.

I caved into my addiction.  Lily had no bapu, but I ate sugar like the heroin addict that I am.

Truth is, it does make me sad.  I really did want to go through this with Lily.  I know how hard it is for her to give up the bapu.  It’s her comfort.  We snuggle together and I stroke her head and back while she nurses; it’s a very peaceful and loving act that we share.  But now it’s time for her to be weaned, and it’s really hard for her.  And I want to go through this with her.

I will do it with her.  I will give up my addiction as she gives up hers.  I do want to do this with my baby and have a deeper understanding how hard it is for her.  I don’t want her to go through the pain alone.

Solidarity can and will win over lack of willpower.

This is one of Lily’s favorite outfits.
She picks it out herself, and she dresses herself.
At the tender age of two, she is already showing
an incredibly fun sense of style.
I hope it doesn’t disappear when the sensitive,
awkward, self-conscious female teenage years hit.
Or if it does disappear, I hope she rediscovers it
in her 20s and plays with color and self-expression again.
(Those are my socks, by the way.
I don’t look half as cute in them though.)
10 November 2006

I’m on steroids. My platelet count was 10 today (a normal person’s count is between 150 and 300), so my hematologist put me on a pulse pack of 40mg of steroids for four days.  That’s why I’m doing another journal update today and at 11pm at night.  That’s also why Matt took Lily for a drive.  She’s been crawling on me all night like I’m a jungle gym, and I couldn’t take it anymore.  He took her for a drive for two reasons: 1) to give me a break, and 2) to get her to fall asleep.  Apparently, she’s having insomnia too.

Sarah and her friend, Mika, brought me hot chocolate tonight.  They were grocery shopping at Walmart, and they phoned and asked if we needed anything.  I told them that Matt and I were faking winter (the high was 81 today….. 81… in November….. eighty-one…. global warming is a myth, my ass), so Matt was wearing his flannel pajamas and I wanted hot chocolate and Cool Whip.

They are such sweeties.  I need to post a picture of Mika so everyone can put a face to the name.  Anyways, on their way home, they detoured by our house and dropped off the hot chocolate and Cool Whip.

I was being silly while I was making my hot chocolate, reading the ingredients aloud to Matt because the amount of sugar was just so phenomenal it was funny.  The first ingredient on the hot chocolate packet was “sugar” and the sixth ingredient was “corn syrup solids.”  And I said to Matt, “And then you add sugar by topping it off with Cool Whip,” and I began reading the Cool Whip ingredients.

The Cool Whip ingredient list wasn’t as funny though; it was more disturbing.  Every ingredient, with the exception of “water,” was really bad for your body.  At least the hot chocolate used real sugar, not the scary “high fructose corn syrup.”

The ingredient list for Cool Whip: “water, corn syrup, hydrogenated vegetable oil, high fructose corn syrup.”  I didn’t list the unpronouceable “contains less than 2% of the following” ingredients.

Geez, the garbage we feed ourselves and our children.  The “obesity problem” of Americans seems straight-forward to me: garbage in, garbage out.

I wonder when — or if — I’ll go to sleep tonight.  Steroids are a lot like amphetamines as far as being unable to sleep goes.  (I wonder if steroids are amphetamines.)  Maybe that’s why people get so irritated on them — they’re just so tired but can’t go to sleep.

Niko and Lani
10 November 2006

A story with an educational ending that I’ve been meaning to tell:

While Matt was away in San Diego for his tradeshow, Lily and I went to San Antonio for a visit.  I remembered to pack everything I needed and even several things I didn’t need… except for underwear.  So when Bruce stopped by Walmart to pick up some groceries, I went to buy some underwear.  Kels was with me, and we browsed all the fun prints.

Now, I’ve been wearing unadorned, uninteresting, white cotton underwear for years.  After having a really enjoyable time browsing fun cuts and silly, colorful prints with Kels, I came home with eight pairs of bright underwear in geometric prints.  Every day starts off with a smile now as I slip on my colorful underwear.

What’s the educational ending, you ask?  Well, if you’re over the age of, say, 35 and you have forgotten the happiness of fun bright prints, go shopping for underwear with a 17-year-old.  It will remind you that color is delight.

    

Lily blowing bubbles in the bathie.
10 November 2006

I have new cute pictures so I wanted to post, but I don’t have anything in my head to post about.  Though I have been wondering when to officially call a blog “dead.”  Shelly has started two different blogs now, and, with both blogs, she posted two or three posts and then nothing.  Do I remove the link?  Dudley’s blog was dead for years and recently just came back to life.  Of course, Dudley being Dudley, he never posts anything personal, and me being me, I want to read personal stuff… but so it goes. 🙂

Then there are bloggers like Lindsey and Justy; they post only once every two or three months.  Then you have Kelsey and I; we post once or twice a week.  And as someone who posts my thoughts quite frequently, I also like to read my friends’ and family’s thoughts quite frequently… but so it goes. 🙂

Lily and I watching TV.
24 September 2006

I have wanted to post an update all week, but it’s been a really hectic week. Matt’s been in San Diego for a tradeshow with HotSchedules, and Lily and I have been by ourselves.  Lily has a slight cold and misses Daddy (she has been asking “Where’s Daddy?” all week) — those two things combined have made her clingy, whiny, and high-maintenance.

But Matt comes back tonight.  Yay!  We’ve really missed him.  And the truth is, the tradeshow went really well, so it’s a good thing he went.  But we did really miss him.  Our little family had a hole in it for a week, and Lily and I felt it.

Lily isn’t weaned.  And I haven’t given up sugar.  I’ve really got to do those two things.

Hmmm… not much of an update, but at least it was an update.