Hmmm… another night of insomnia. Maybe it’s not insomnia– maybe by this point I have shifted my internal clock and sleep schedule by a few hours.

Who are blogs and online journals written for? Who is the audience? Is it like a prayer to God spoken aloud to no one? “Dear Lord, please notice me.” It’s public and yet not so because no one sees it buried in the deep clutter of the internet.

Quiet. shhhhhh…. I’m the one waltzing on the head of a pin… as tiny as dew on a spiderweb.

I’m feeling pretty good tonight… almost unique and special and different. Tonight, I don’t feel like one among the masses; I actually feel like I stand out, even if it’s only to myself.

Go figure.

I really need to get some sleep. I have so much to do tomorrow. Nitey nite.

So I haven’t done the bills in a month and a half! A month and a half! I’ve never let them go that long. I don’t know why I’m being such an amazing huge punk. Now it will take me several hours to clean up the mess I’ve allowed to develop. It won’t be a pretty sight.

I’ve actually been slacking off a lot. But Ben, Matt’s brother, is visiting from England, so Matt and I have both been huge slackers for the last two weeks. But I think that’s acceptable. Ben is visiting all the way from England, and Matt hasn’t seen his family at all in the last year. The last time he saw any of his family was last Christmas. So I’m actually not down on myself for being a complete slacker these last couple of weeks.

The Italians are proposing another contract that would last a couple of months. That’s made me feel a little better. I didn’t think the last contract would come through, and, in truth, it did take a month for them to sign and start working. But they did give him a contract like they said, so I’m more hopeful this time that he will actually get a contract.

However the wrestling match to get paid continues. We were supposed to be paid the 15th of this month, and we haven’t been… not even an email. I get so tired of doing this month after month. But with a new contract, that will give us a little more breathing room to find Matt a permanent position. But it may take a month or so for the new contract to be finalized and signed.

…. and we don’t have enough money for our taxes in April. *sigh* I need to get off my ass and get a job. I need to accept that Little Princess Playtime is over now and the real world is knocking at the door.

But other than worries about money, things have been good. I’m feeling a lot more positive… maybe it’s the change in the weather. We’ve been having lovely cool Texas October days. That will make anyone happy. And we had a lot of fun with Ben. :-))

Matt and I are having a fight, but he doesn’t know why and I don’t know why. That’s the horror of being female. We’re driven by forces that we don’t even understand or particularly like.

I’m annoyed with him… scared, unsure… in a dark place… annoyed with myself… annoyed with our situation.

I wish I could find my way out of this darkness. And I have the extra burden of knowing I’m dragging another person through it with me. That isn’t helping the situation. Now I feel guilty on top of feeling down.

This particular depression is new, and so I’m having a hell of a time combating it. All my old tricks aren’t working.

… and now Matt is tasting it too… I’m feeding it to him… he just wants to be a caring husband….

but I won’t let him.

I won’t let myself….

Chained to the wall by invisible self-made shackles. But how can I undo the shackles when I can’t even see what they are made from? If I don’t know what the problem is, how can I fix it?

Poor Matt…. poor me….

Today has been a really rough day. Matt is looking for a full-time gig and we don’t know where we’re going to end up. And we’re riding on savings right now. And we’ve both been dealing with all this for the last three weeks.

Today, my mind decided to cave in. I spent the day sleeping, moping, and other self-pity activities. Matt’s been a real sweetie, trying to help me deal with all the sadness.

To get away from everything, we played EverQuest. We haven’t played EQ in probably two months. It was a lot of fun tonight. For the three hours that we played, all my worries slipped away. It was such a pleasant break.

So after all my self-pity exercises and my EQ break, I think I’m ready for tomorrow. Well, for today really because it’s already past midnight. I can jump in the saddle again and email more resumes out for Matt. I’m the designated job hunter because Matt just received 10 days of work from the Italians. While he does the work, I search for jobs and send out resumes.

Time for bed. Tomorrow is another day full of hope. :-))