Matt is playing Doom 3 and really likes it. I don’t know what sub-genre of game it is considered, but I would definitely label it “horror.” I can’t see Matt’s monitor, I can only hear his speakers, and that is scary enough for me. There is no way I would play that game. I would have nightmares.

The part that creeped me out the most was when the female disembodied voice whispers, “Follow me. They took my baby.” And then you hear the baby cry. Matt died right after that so when he loaded his saved game, I had to listen to that again. Yuch! It was so creepy. So when he died the third time and had to load the saved game again, I covered my ears so I didn’t have to hear it. Then he saved the game just after that point so we wouldn’t have to hear it again if he had to reload the game again.

Matt is thoroughly enjoying his game though. It is really well-done. Even though I wouldn’t play it, I still recognize that it is well-done, if you are into scary first-person shooters.

I’ve been watching my 3-year-old nephew everyday for the past week. I had originally volunteered to watch him for 3 months, but I asked Carla yesterday to put him in daycare as soon as she can. He takes up all my time and I get nothing accomplished. And I’m dead tired by the end of the day. It’s like having a job, complete with looking forward to the weekend and dreading Monday.

I know that I will have my own baby soon and that will be 24/7 instead of 8.5 hours/day. But that is a responsibility that I have accepted as a mother. As an aunt, watching Logan everyday is just too much. The responsibilities of my life have been put on hold to take care of a responsibility in Carla’s life. Each day passes with none of my business completed… or even started for that matter. I play catch-up on the weekend.

I hope he goes to daycare soon. I hope Carla takes care of this soon.

On a “cool geek factor” note, though, the Macquarium is almost done. We are waiting for the last plant and a pair of A. australe killifish, both of which I have to order over the internet. In the meantime, we have set it up with everything that we have so far. Really, only those two things are missing… well three. I want to treat some water with peat and add that.

I should probably wait until it’s complete to post the pictures, but I’m just so excited. Also, the pictures don’t do it justice. It’s very pretty and very cool.

We couldn’t fill the water all the way to the top of the tank because the bubbles from the filter were causing the water to leak over the top. But we didn’t want there to be a visible gap between the top of the water and the top of the tank, so we printed out an image of the System 3 menu bar and taped it up so the gap was hidden behind it. I think it’s pretty cool.

Some advice if you are considering making a Macquarium:

1. It’s a bitch of a project but well worth it.
2. You are limited to goldfish because your water will be cold unless you buy a 6″ mini-heater for tropical fish.
3. If you do use a mini-heater and get tropical fish, you are limited to two choices because all other fish will languish and die in such a small volume of water. I know what you’re thinking, “I’ll get tetra. They are tiny. They’ll be okay in such a tiny tank.” Nope. They may be tiny, but they still need room to swim. Your choices are either a betta or killies. These fish can quite happily live in two gallons of water.
4. If you do choose killifish, they jump and you will have to fashion a device to cover the hole in the top of the Mac. Matt has plans for a wire frame covered in panty hose. 🙂
5. Choose easy, low-light plants. I am using java fern, anubius nana, and Italian vallisneria.

This is what I have learned so far. I’m sure I will learn more as time goes on. And maybe I will learn that I got some of these rules wrong. 🙂 I did just set it up.

It’s been a fun project… well, fun once I gutted the Mac. Gutting the Mac was not fun. Matt wants to find some old Mac SE floppy drives and cut them down and install them so they look like working floppies. That would be cool, but I’m not so sure we are going to be able to find old Mac SE floppy drives.

By the way, Matt and I are discussing upgrading our machines so we can play EverQuest II. “Why?” you ask, “Why, after you were so happy to be off the Crack?”

Because it’s EverQuest II, man!!! I want to explore the new world! It looks like so much fun.

I can quit anytime…. 😉

Actually, it’s all just talk at this time. It will cost about $1000 to upgrade the two computers so that they can run EQ2. That game has some serious system requirements.

Much has happened. Much has changed.

My Tai Chi teacher explained the yin-yang symbol to us once. He said that it represents positive and negative, light and dark, balance. That even when you are all in the light, there is still the spot of darkness, and, as you circle around, the darkness increases and the light decreases. But, since everything is in balance, when you are in complete darkness, there is the spot of light and you circle around and the light increases and the darkness decreases.

Well, we have finally circled around into the light. The dark was long and hard, and, to be honest, I don’t think I handled it very well. Matt, of course, was always a pillar of strength that is almost his defining characteristic. To give you an example: the Jeep broke down today and left Kelsey and I stranded on the side of the road. I called Matt at work and he was by our side in 15 minutes and had the situation completely under control within one minute of being there. I didn’t fall in love with him because he is so reliable and strong, but it sure is an extremely nice quality to have in a husband.

But to continue with the original thought: three things have changed. We’ll start with the simplest. Matt got a raise at work which gives us more money. That always helps things.

We’ll move on to the next easiest to explain: I’m pregnant. After two years and feeling like our hearts were being ripped from our chests each month because of our unanswered love, I showed up pregnant. I’m 18 weeks pregnant now with a little girl.

Of course, there is a story with that. I didn’t show up pregnant until I had finally moved on from my single life. I was mired in my past. I loved my time with Gene so much that I had a very hard time saying goodbye to it. It took me almost three years to move into my present life with my husband– to quit longing and mourning the past. But I finally started living in the now and being wholly present with my husband. And then I became pregnant. Coincidence? Who’s to say.

The third change was a big eye-opener. We bought a house in Round Rock and moved into it two and a half weeks ago. We moved from a very filthy, very tiny, very dark apartment to a beautiful, clean, spacious home. I didn’t realize that my entire life and my moods were so affected by my environment. It was truly like coming out of the dark into the light.

I thought I would try to explain it, but it is very hard to explain. So just let me give unsolicited advice: live in a place you love. Keep it clean and organized. Keep it uncluttered. Let me repeat that last one because it is more important than people realize. Keep it uncluttered. Take unwanted stuff to Goodwill, clean out your drawers and your files.

I feel so much lighter and happier, and I know it’s not just that we finally got pregnant. I am no longer in that filthy, dark cave that sucked the very happiness out of my soul. The dogs have a grassy backyard they can play in. Matt and I have a usable closet and a great study. We have desks on which we have room to do work now instead of being completely covered in dust, junk, and computer peripherals. The living room is inviting and warm. Needs a bit more seating though and perhaps a rug.

Oh, I could go on.

Live in a place you love. Don’t let the happiness be sucked out by your environment. I think it happens more than people realize. They just continue to live where they live, unaware of how it is effecting the happiness and quality of their lives. It makes a huge difference. I have just experienced the difference first hand with myself.

I’m so happy we moved.

So I have given myself a fairly rigorous work schedule, and I just can’t keep up with it. But there are so many things I want to do. To do them all, I have to have a very full day every day. And, currently, I am unable to keep up such a schedule. I don’t have the crazy energy that my mom has, although I wish I did. 🙂

Hmmm…. I thought I had more to say. I am supposed to write three “pages” a day in my journal. Of course, “pages” are pretty subjective on an online journal, so it’s more like “three pages worth.”

I can see my goals more clearly now, which is nice. But is is soooo much work, and… well… I’m kind of lazy. And to achieve these goals, I certainly need to quit being lazy. Lazy people can barely get into grad school and they certainly don’t graduate, and that is one of the foremost goals.

So how does one quit being lazy? Here is one of my favorite quotes:

Be aware of your thoughts because they determine your habits.
Be aware of your habits because they determine your behaviour.
Be aware of your behavior because it determines your character.
Be aware of your character because it determines your destiny.

I don’t think I need to change my thoughts. I’m pretty pleased with my desires and goals. But my habits are sadly lacking. And changing habits is no easy thing– that is a lot of work. But I shall keep trying.

In the vein of changing habits, Shelly and I are “buddies” now in our diet. We both desperately want to lose weight, and I read that having a buddy helps. You tell your buddy every day what you ate and what you did for exercise. This keeps your eating habits and your exercise habits upper-most in your thoughts. And, by keeping them at the forefront of your thoughts, you slowly change your eating and exercise habits. It certainly seems like a logical, sound idea. So we are going to try it! Once again, it’s a lot of work to write an email every day about what I have eaten and what I did for exercise, but I really do want to lose weight.

I have two reasons why I want to lose weight. The first is nothing by vanity: I want to look pretty. The second is for fun: I want to wear fun clothes! I love clothes! I have always loved clothes but been too shy and too displeased with my body to ever act upon that desire. But I am getting older! I don’t have time to be shy! There is a window for everything, and I want to do this while the window is open!

But losing weight requires discipline and work– neither of which I have in abundance. *sigh* But I shall try to change my habits… try to change my personality. After all, life is always about change, isn’t it?

On a completely different topic, Carla is unhappy and has been unhappy for a long time. I hate to see her like this, but I don’t know what to do. She seems adrift… lost. I wanted to talk to her about this. I don’t know if I can do anything to help. I doubt I can. But I really hate seeing her so unhappy…. every day, so unhappy. She has brief moments of light, and then she descends into the darkness again. And I don’t know why. Not enough money? Too many kids? Too much responsibility? All the work that four kids require (and it is a massive amount of work)? Her marriage? Not enough time to just be by herself? I don’t know what it is. But it makes me very sad. 🙁

We did it. After yet another fight, after yet another day without interacting with each other like a husband and wife, we decided to truly quit EverQuest. Right when the decision was made, we logged on to our accounts and told the guild we were leaving. We gave all our money and equipment to the guild. We were going to delete our characters, but the guild wanted to keep them. So we gave Kibek our station names and passwords and asked him to change the passwords so we couldn’t log on. Then, after a tearful goodbye to the guildies, we logged off, uninstalled the game, and cancelled our accounts.

It was like coming out into the sunlight after being in a dark tunnel for a very long time. I was so relieved. Yesterday evening, when we were driving around and I was commenting on how pretty the sunset and sky was and how lovely the wind felt, Matt said that I had a different presence about me the last couple of days. He said I was happier and I am. We haven’t been outside in so long. We haven’t done anything except play EverQuest in so long.

I am happier. I’m a lot happier.

I am trying to get the EQ monkey off my back. It isn’t easy for several reasons:

1) I enjoy the game;

2) My husband enjoys the game;

3) My guildmates encourage me not to quit.

But I just have… I just have to. My life is flying by me, each second passing unnoticed… unlived. I spend my time trying to get level 56 so I can have 96% rezz.

So I quit EverQuest. I hope I can stay off it. I don’t think my husband realizes how important this is to me. I want to change. I feel like I haven’t been experiencing life. And I want to change.

I have been so bad!! I have done nothing for a week. Nothing!! I have played EverQuest, slept late, and surfed the net.

I feel so nothing. A rollie-pollie blob of nothing.

I have to change this.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.

I think this could also be said of human motivation and work. If you are motivated and working you tend to stay motivated and working, and if you stop, it takes force of will to get yourself started again.

So I think the best plan is not to stop. 🙂

It’s difficult to do everything that I want to do. I want so many things. I want to do so many things and I want material things. I asked Matt how to juggle the desire for material things with the desire to not become materialistic. I thought he had a very good answer. He said that it is a balance. He said that if you say you don’t want anything then you are living a lie. It’s natural and okay to desire things. But at the same time, you still help people and treat people with kindness and respect. I liked this answer.

Because I was thinking of all the things I wanted. My list of desires:

1) I want to own my own successful business writing novels on the web. And I want the sisters to work together and make lots of money so all of our families are well provided for. And this part may seem silly, but I really want an office that I can decorate! Isn’t that too bizarre? But there ya go. I already have large portions of the office laid out and decorated in my head. I see things in stores and think, “That will look so good in the future office of the future successful publishing company that I own and operate with my sisters.” I want cool, well-organized bookkeeping files for the future successful company as well.

2) I want to write novels that ring like poetry. I want to write stories that will live deep in the soul. I want to transform sentences into sonorous flowers and novels into lush gardens in which the reader can smell the scent and feel the air.

3) I want my home to be peaceful, homey, clean, and full of warmth. And I want all the clutter to be gone. I want it to be organized and simple-ish. I realize that I can’t be entirely simple because I like stuff, but I want it to be lot less cluttered and a lot more simple than it currently is. I want warm colorful walls, inviting furniture, and plants everywhere. I want a home that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I certainly don’t have that right now. My house makes me cry. It is always messy and very very uninviting– it is a place that I run from at the moment, and that’s very sad.

4) I want to wear cute clothes. I really really want to wear cute clothes. Witchy clothes. Flowing dresses that remind people of wind, vibrant jewelry, and pink lips. I am sick (very very sick) of being an unremarkable, beige piece of paper. I hear my destiny calling.

5) I want to explore my spirituality. I hear whispers in my heart beckoning me down that path.

These are my main desires. I go to bed with them buzzing around in my head, and I wake up in the morning still thinking about them ceaselessly.

Now. This moment. The first step. The next step. Only now. Only now exists.