I just read Dudley’s entries in his Live Journal…. maybe that’s what this is for: to keep in touch with our friends. I can handle that. I can do that.
Or maybe I just need some sleep.
Endless infinity of people… we’re all the same… lined up in a row that stretches out of sight… our internet chitter chatter creating a buzz which fills the space.
It drives me nuts!!!!! How can we all be the same?! Reaching, clawing, grabbing, searching… what the hell are we all searching for?! What are we doing?
I surfed other Live Journal logs today. Big mistake. It always freaks me out.
Of course life has been freaking me out lately. I hate it when I start getting all philosophical and contemplating the whole “why are we all here” question.
Because there is no answer. There is no answer when you aren’t religious, and I just can’t buy into any of the modern gods that we currently have to choose from. They are all flawed, and I don’t even want to start into that discussion.
But being without religion does leave terrible unanswerable questions in your head.
Dammit! One among many. A tiny drop in a massive ocean.
We’re all the same.
Too many images…. too much manga…. not enough time…. not enough me.
I feel like I’m playing catch-up again.
So I figured out what unhappiness is for. I realize the first question is “Why should unhappiness be for anything? It just is.” Well there are two arguments people tend to present: 1) there is the spiritual argument which says “Everything happens for a reason”; and 2) there is the Darwinistic argument which says all things in life come about as a result of survival, therefore unhappiness must’ve helped our species survive for that trait to continue from generation to generation. In both arguments, unhappiness has a purpose.
Unhappiness fuels change.
There. Now everyone can quit being so unhappy about being unhappy. It serves a very fundamental and important purpose. I’m really unhappy right now– 8 months of trying and still not pregnant (starting to think there is a problem with us); Matt is out of work; I’m doing data entry for the IRS which isn’t exactly my dream job; we don’t have enough money to pay the bills; I’m the most overweight and unfit I’ve ever been in my life.
But when I bottomed out last night, when my period came yet again, something started to stir around deep inside of me. The unhappiness I had been feeling for the past few months finally created enough fuel to light a fire.
I’m looking at my life again and deciding what I want to do. After I got married, I hung around in the blissful state of newlywed for quite awhile. And though I still love my husband deeply, that blissful state has lost its brilliance and no longer hides me from myself.
Unhappiness also makes you introspective. Hehe. :-))
Matt is still sleeping. We stayed up until 2am flipping between the “Men Behaving Badly” marathon on BBCAmerica and the “Sex and the City” marathon on HBO. One show centers completely around men and their silly and funny quirks, and the other show centers completely around women and their silly and funny quirks. It was fun flipping between the two extremes.
We recently discovered The Office on BBCAmerica. Oh my gosh, that’s a funny show!! I highly recommend it.
So I start my seasonal temp job at the IRS tomorrow. I have a throbbing headache, I’m worried, and I’m not sleepy. I left the Dell job because I think I have a job with the IRS– I hope I do.
The thing about Spherion (Dell’s temp agency) is that they lay you off when you come into work, ie. “Go home, you don’t have a job here anymore.” However, since we told them we didn’t want to stay on for the next quarter (and we still worked out the shift), we may be on their shit list and they may not give us a job again. So I don’t think we could go back to Dell.
Not that I want to– I hated Dell. But what about money?
Things are just really sucky right now.
And no one reads this, I discovered. My mom and Donna both asked “So how’s the job with Dell going?” *sigh* These are silent words whispered into the infinity of the universe.
I’m worried.
So Spherion (Dell’s temp agency) had their end-of-quarter lay-offs last night. There were too many temps in Matt’s quad, so he got axed. Since he could build more computers than me and I have seasonal temp work with the IRS beginning on Monday, we asked our two managers to switch us– to keep Matt and to lay me off. During the three hours it took them to arrange that, Matt came to the overwhelming realization that he didn’t want to work at Dell ever again in his entire life, that the thought of working one more day in that awful place would bring him to tears. So we told the managers “No, thank you.” They were very sweet and switched us, but we declined in the end because the Dell Human Meat Factory is too terrible.
We finished out the shift for a few reasons: 1) our managers were very sweet to do everything they had to do to switch us, so we stayed to help them make their numbers; 2) to leave on good terms in case we do ever have to return there; and 3) that’s just the kind of people we are.
The day is beautiful. The birds are singing. The wind is pleasant. We’re so happy.
And Matt fixed my computer last night and the processor seems to be okay. I didn’t fry it, which I thought for sure I had.
Ah, happiness.
My computer died last week, and I miss it terribly. Since we have two dogs and a cat, the inside was covered in fur and dust. Matt cleaned out all the computers, including taking the heatsink off of the processor and cleaning the heatsink (it was really nasty). We didn’t have any of that heatsink thermal bonding stuff, but we thought “What the heck! Let’s take it apart and put it back together without that and see what happens.”
And my computer was unhappy about the whole thing and will now not even reboot. We went to Fry’s two days ago before work to buy the thermal bonding stuff, but Matt hasn’t had time to fix our computers yet. He hasn’t turned on his computer because he’s worried the same thing will happen. He wants to wait until he puts the bonding stuff between the heatsink and the processor before he tries his computer.
On the up side, he said if I fried my processor from turning on the computer without the heatsink working, then I have to get a new processor and motherboard! That’ll be fun. I told him that if I get a new processor and motherboard, then he has to too. We have matching his and hers computers and it’s kind of fun. So we have to keep the same processor and motherboard in each one. So we may be getting an upgrade soon. Of course, he wants to upgrade the processor and motherboard in the computers sometime this year anyway, whether my computer can be fixed or not. He just wasn’t planning on upgrading them right now.
What a boring entry. Nothing funny, nothing emotional, nothing exciting. Just boring computer talk.
I do miss my computer though. I’m using the server to check my email, but it doesn’t have any of my stuff on it.
Never have I hated a place as violently and as completely as I hate Dell. We are disposable and worthless to them, and they treat as such. Austin is in such an economic slump that there are hundreds of people lined up to take any job they can at Dell– to earn any kind of income. So if you do get a job as a temp in the Dell Manufacturing Plant, they work you to death, give you no benefits, treat you horribly, tell you to be happy that you at least have a job, and remind you that if you don’t do exactly as they say, there are 40 people waiting to take your job.
And you do it… you do it because you have to. There are no jobs in Austin. So you get thrown into the Dell Human Meat Factory, do hard labor for 70 hours per week, and cry when you get home because you are helpless.
We worked 66 hours this week. And we are scheduled to work 11 hours on both Monday and Tuesday as well. This is without a weekend break.
…. and there’s nothing we can do about it.
It’s awful.
I hate Dell.