I’m moody this morning. I try to write peppy, happy entries, but that’s difficult to do when you are moody.

I’m moody because Matt, Lily and I have been eating badly.  (It’s one thing to feed yourself, an adult with choices, crap food that makes your body feel run-down, but it’s another thing entirely to feed that sludge to your child.)  I’m moody because we haven’t been going to gym.  I’m moody because I live in a dark house filled with chemically recycled air because our houses weren’t built around the use of prevailing winds, naturally insulating materials, and daylighting.  I’m moody because we live in a sea of toxic chemicals — chemicals seeping out of our plastics, chemicals in our shampoos and moisturizers that we apply directly to our skin, even chemicals in our food.  I’m moody because our environment is polluted and toxic.  I’m moody because our planet and our bodies are sick because of our choices as individuals and as a society.

These things make me sad. :( I’ve been thinking about these things a lot this morning, and it makes me sad.

But you can’t just claim the emotion and wallow in the pity, can you?  No.  I can’t change everything, but I can change some things.

I’m still sad though.  We all have to change what we can change.  All the small changes made in each household will equal a huge planetary change.  And then this weight will lift off of my chest — off of all our chests and we will be able to breathe again… literally.

Pictures of the children in the back garden taken by me mum-in-law.
(Sarah has the most amazing natural talent for framing pictures… truly amazing.)
17 July 2007

We got home Sunday night, but everyone had really bad jetlag.  The journey was hardest for the baby. He cried and fussed all day yesterday.  And he wouldn’t let me put him down; he wanted to be right up against my body all day.  He just was not a happy little guy.  He’s back to his normal self this morning though — smiling and busy.  He is extremely good-natured.

And the journey had absolutely no effect on Lily, as far as we could tell.  She was chirpy and playing all the way home… all 21 hours.  Seventeen hours into the journey when we were waiting in the long lines at immigration and then waiting in the long lines at customs, Matt, the baby and I were at the very end of our patience.  There was nothing but grumpiness, extreme fatigue and general nastiness left inside of us.  But not Lily.  She was having a good ol’ time.  Even when we arrived home, after a 21-hour journey, she stayed up for a couple of hours and played with the toys in her room.

I have lots of piccies from England.  Shelrie asked me to send her photos of England so she could travel vicariously, but I realized that I don’t take pictures of scenery.  I take pictures of people.  So all my pictures are of Matt’s family and the children.

I would like to learn to take pictures of scenery.  Maybe I should start practicing.  I’m not good at it.  My landscape pictures are very dull — like being forced to watch a slideshow of your aunt’s vacation to Oklahoma.

It’s nice to be home.  I like my home.  🙂

No picture with this post because we are in England right now.  I didn’t bring my camera with me and I am seriously regretting that decision now.

We came for Matt’s grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary.  The party was yesterday, and it was very nice.  I really like Matt’s family — a lot.  They are quirky and fun and silly and they all love each other very much.  I have a very good time when we come to England.

And my children are doted upon.  They are snuggled and kissed and everyone plays with them.  As a parent, there is nothing in the whole wide world that makes you happier than seeing your children loved.

And it’s chilly!  Isn’t that completely whacky?!  It’s July!  I was dumbfounded.  I didn’t bring warm clothes because… well, because it’s July.  I didn’t even think it was possible to be chilly in July.

I really like England.  I would have no problem moving here.  I like the way the cities are organized; cars are not used nearly as much — a lot more walking and public transportation – which gives the cities a sense of community because everyone is on the streets.  In Texas, all the cities are designed around cars, so the streets are empty.  I know why this is: we have the room for the sprawl and the heat is prohibitive.  But designing a city around walking and public transportation gives the city a much more pleasant feel.

I also like the weather which is funny because the English are always complaining about their weather.  But Texas is just so hot, and the heat is very oppressive.  The heat drains your energy, and you don’t want to go outside.

Anyways, we’re having a great time. 🙂

ps. House Beautiful!

The house was beautiful by the time my mom arrived.  It was really important to me that the house be clean for my mom.  I want my mom to feel comfortable in my house — to actually enjoy coming to my house because the house itself feels inviting and pleasing.

And, just in general, I’m in a much better mood when the house is clean.  Matt was such a sweety to work so hard to make the house clean for my mom.  He would put in a full day at work and then, when he got home, he would work really hard with me to get the house clean.  And he did all this because he knew I really really wanted the house clean for my mom.  He’s such an excellent husband.  I truly am lucky to have him.

Daddy tickling Damian.
02 June 2007

Matt and I have been scrambling to clean the house before my mom visits and before we leave for vacation.  And yet, the house is still very chaotic.  Now the question is: is the house going to all come together at the end, like a dinner seems to come together magically right at the end, or is it truly chaotic, just disguised as a work in progress?

Only time will tell — six days to be exact.  Mom will be here in six days. 🙂

Lily can make an ensemble out of anything.
Here she is working on costume ideas
(using florescent orange swim goggles and a lanyard)
for the next post-apocalyptic Mad Max movie.
02 June 2007

You would not believe the sheer volume of toys, clothes, and shoes that come into the house when children come into the house.  It is an avalanche of kid stuff that threatens to consume your house.

Carla’s baby is due in two months.  I just spent the last week washing all of Lily’s baby clothes and packing them.  I went through the toys, packing three trashbags worth of toys to pass onto Carla.  And the bassinet, swing, crib (along with all the crib accoutrements), carseat, stroller… so much stuff being passed onto Carla.  Or, more accurately, so much stuff being passed out of my house.

I love purging.  I feel light and free when my house is uncluttered — stuff feels like an iron ball dragging me down into a cold, dark deep.

I’m so happy right now.  I’m so happy that all that baby stuff is out of my house.

Aunt Deb made Lily some new earrings and a new necklace.
Deb gave her these on 11 June 2007, and Lily hasn’t
taken the earrings off yet. They are her new favorite pair.
11 June 2007

And a picture of Aunt Deb covered in kids.
11 June 2007

So I registered romancepodcast.com.  There is nothing there at the moment; it is “parked.”  (What a funny term.)  I can’t believe it was available.  It seems like that one would have been snapped up pretty quickly as podcasting became more and more popular.  Well… I guess it has been snapped up now.

I don’t have the time to work on my current pet project at the moment.  My mom arrives in nine days, and the house is still in no fit state for a royal visit.  And we’re leaving on vacation ourselves two days after my mom arrives, and the house is in no fit state for us to leave for an extended period of time.  So we’re very house-centric right now.  Cleaning, laundering, building raised beds, packing baby stuff up to pass onto Carla.  Busy busy busy.

So I’ll play with romancepodcast.com when we return.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I’m itching and itching to begin!  It’ll just have to wait a little longer…

Lindsey with my children during our week in Conroe with the Pipkins:

Lindsey is only 16-years-old, and she is amazing with children.
She has a raw natural talent to understand and love children.
I love seeing someone’s raw talent shine through them
like a sun shining through glass.

What if you were exactly the person you wanted to be?  What if, at every moment, you acted like you felt you should act and not follow the path of least resistance?  Would you find the new you boring and predictable, living a life with no accidental detours?  Or would you like this you who was responsible and reliable, heading towards your planned dreams because you always acted in accordance with them?  Would you become insufferable and judgmental because you never give into the ice cream and deep fried foods like other, weaker-willed, people do?

I actually don’t know the answers to these questions because I don’t have the sustained willpower required to be this sort of person.  I bend towards temptation with a natural ease: I eat the nine cookies one after another; I surf the web when I should be cleaning; I take the children to McDonald’s instead of cooking them a healthy breakfast.  I don’t head towards my dreams and my goals with single-minded determination.

Sometimes I wish I did.  But then I wonder, would I like that version of me?  I’m pretty fond of myself as I am.  What about that version of me?  Would I still be me — quirky and slightly chaotic?

It would be a fun experiment.  What would I be like?  Is it possible to be quirky and slightly chaotic as well as reliable and determined?  The funny thing is: I don’t think I have the willpower to run the experiment for even a few days. 🙂

It would be fun to try though…

We’ve been to Dad and Donna’s lakehouse in Conroe twice recently, and both times we had so much fun.  There are two things I like about Dad and Donna’s lakehouse: 1) A house on the water is very calming.  When I nurse my son, my whole body relaxes, the world disappears, and the universe is just me and him snuggled together on the bed, sharing a moment of love.  I get a similar feeling when I’m in a house where all the windows look out onto water.  My whole body relaxes and everything resolves into peace.

And: 2) The jetskis are a lot of fun.  I don’t hotdog around or anything.  I just put-put along with Lily, and we enjoy the ride.  Everybody in the family seems to really enjoy the jetskis, whether they are zooming or put-putting.

So I was on realtor.com, fantasizing.  I was surfing waterfront properties in Austin.  The prices, of course, were exorbitant… way beyond anything Matt and I can afford.  That is what made it fantasizing, dreaming about the future and what could be.

And then, while I was surfing waterfront homes, this picture showed up on my Google Desktop Photos gadget:

Damian
22 February 2007

And in an instant, I realized that I already have everything that I want in this house right now. I realized that what is most important to me — what makes me happy and grateful to be alive — is being with the people I love.  And if we happen to be at a lakehouse together, well… that’s just a nice perk. 🙂

(I still hope to have a lakehouse one day though.  Dreams are the seeds of the future.)

Daddy and Lily playing with her hat at Denny’s this morning.
23 June 2007

Only two weeks and three days (that’s seventeen days) until my mom visits. She is flying into Austin on Tuesday night, July 10th.

In layman terms, that means I have seventeen days to clean my house. That’s not a lot of time when you are a procrastinator who hates to clean and has two small children… not much time at all.

Deb, Lily and I on the jet skis.
16 June 2007

I was surfing cafe press this evening — looking at the neat things that people have created — and I became exasperated with my own timidness. I’m done with being creatively timid. What a waste of time.

I like creating — writing, drawing, sewing, beading — I like creating a lot.

I like creating a lot.