The baby is sleeping, the husband is off at work… the house is quiet. It’s very nice. Especially since it’s an overcast day. Hurricane Emily is going through Mexico right now, and she brought cloud cover to central Texas. It makes it a nice, quiet, introspective day.
I’ve been surfing sites on Otherkin. Matt says these folks have psychological issues and that they aren’t actually the souls of other beings in human bodies. But, he says, if they are happy believing what they believe, then more power to them.
I am agnostic towards Otherkin. There are too many strange things in this world to perfunctorily dismiss their beliefs. Perhaps it is a psychological disorder, perhaps it’s something else. Either way, it would be an interesting study.
For me, Otherkin get my imagination stirring. Stories of elves, faeries, and vampires living on Earth, going to work, paying taxes, doing magickal work on a full moon night. That’s a great background for a story.
Shelrie emailed me out-of-the-blue. For those who don’t know, Shelrie and I met when we were 15-years-old in tenth grade in high school. We were best friends and went to University of Texas at Austin together. But, for various reasons, we had a falling out. We haven’t talked to each other in five years, and we weren’t really close for five years before that.
But I still care for her, even though we went our separate ways, and always remembered her fondly. And then she emailed. It was really nice to hear from her. It’s funny how friends are like the tide, quietly flowing in and out of one’s life.
I’ve been leaning more and more toward a vegetarian diet, and I finally made the complete switch yesterday. Before I became pregnant with Lily, Matt and I were eating less and less meat, but when I became pregnant, I started craving meat like a fiend, especially beef. But, since Lily has been born, meat has become less appealing with each passing day. So I finally just cut it out. If I get pregnant again, we’ll see if I start eating meat again.
It’s been so long since we’ve had an overcast day. Texas in the summer is a continuos string of hot, sunny days. A gray, rainy day is such a pleasant break. But we’re not getting much rain with the clouds. A gray day full of thunderstorms and lightning would be great!
So Matt was reading my journal, and, regarding the last entry saying that I failed every day, he said, “That’s so sad.” And then Kelsey commented in the entry before that she did not view me as mediocre at all.
Those two comments together got me thinking: maybe I’m too harsh on myself. It’s funny how we can see the beauty in others so clearly but we view ourselves through a muddy mirror. I knew a woman when I was in college who was overly thin and she still truly thought she was fat even though she was actually underweight.
Why can we not see ourselves clearly?
An anime that I really enjoyed was Evangelion. I don’t usually enjoy nihilistic, dark anime, but this one had several ideas in it that I liked. One of the ideas that it presented that I had never thought of before was the idea that there exists a whole bunch of versions of ourselves. There is the perception of Angel that is in Matt’s mind. There is the perception of Angel in my daughter’s mind. There is the perception of Angel in Kelsey’s mind. Each one of these Angels is slightly different from the other.
And there is the perception of Angel in Angel’s mind. All these Angels exist in this world.
I don’t mean to get so down on myself. I think I’m going through some cognitive dissonance right now. I’m not a loser, and yet I’m overweight, my house is dirty, and I haven’t written a best-selling novel. And all this time I thought overweight, dirty house, unfinished projects = loser.
I’ve always told the children in the family how wonderful they are — that their worth and beauty is not based on their weight or their public accomplishments, and I truly believed what I said. I see the kids, and they are so wonderful and fabulous and I love being around them. But I never believed these truths for myself.
I guess I need to start believing in myself. Thirty-seven years old and just now deciding to believe in myself. It’s hard to change though. Habits and repetitive thoughts take awhile to change. But I’ve thrown out many destructive monologues before that I had playing in my head; I’m sure I can throw this one out too.
Every day I try, and every day I fail. But the day will come when I will not fail.
When I first studied Shakespeare, I learned the literary concept of a “fatal flaw” — the idea that a heroic character has a single personality trait that brings about his or her downfall.
I think my fatal flaw is lack of self-discipline. I will never be great unless I develop self-discipline. I shall spend my life as the slightly overweight woman who lives in the somewhat messy house and writes somewhat interesting journal entries but never publishes a finished story. I wallow around in the land of mediocrity living in the pain of my unrealized talent and potential.
And I’m 37-years-old this year. I’m running out of time.
But my life isn’t over yet, is it? We’re not at the end of my play yet. There’s still hope that I shall overcome my fatal flaw.
» From amawahibiki who got it from miou_vicioso who got it from sen_ichi_rei who got it from smokingredmoon
1) Total number of books own:
Probably about 50. I once owned more, but I move too much and I got tired of packing and carrying them. So now I keep only the ones that I will use for reference or re-read frequently.
2) The last book I bought:
“Rich Dad Poor Dad.” I’m responsible for the health of the family and for the finances. I was reading “Energy Addict” (very good, by the way) and it suggested “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” so I bought that one since I really like financial books as well. If you look at the comments on Amazon for “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” people either hate this book or love it. Well, I bought and read the book and I’ll tell you why people love it or hate it with not much ground in between:
Why people hate it:
a) This is one of the most poorly written books I have ever had the misfortune to read. It made me realize that if this piece of tripe can get published, then anything can get published. It is repetitive, has egregious grammatical errors, is not tightly written, and even has typos! It is just a sloppy sloppy book. It made me angry that I paid $16.95 for such a sloppy piece of work.
b) It has some very bad (even dangerous for the novice) financial advice. Much of the advice is far too risky.
c) His support of anti-government capitalism is scary and a bit creepy. If anyone needs a reason not to support complete capitalism without control, look what capitalism has done to the environment or how companies market to our children to make them mindless consumers. It’s chilling.
Why people love it:
a) It does have some very good information. He does a good job of explaining, in layman terms, how money is not a tangible thing like a desk or a computer. That’s a hard concept to understand because money can buy real things, and bills and coins are real things. But money, itself, is not real — not tangible anyway. Say, for example, your 1000 shares of Widget Inc stock increase from $1 per share to $1.50 per share. Poof! $500 appeared as if out of nowhere. That’s because money is a concept — a set of rules that we all agree upon. It’s math, numbers on a spreadsheet, a concept, even an emotion. But it is not a tangible object. And the author of “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” Robert Kigosaki, explains this.
b) He explains the very important idea of making money work for you instead of working for money. This idea in a nutshell: “It’s not what you earn, it’s what you keep. Each dollar you keep then becomes your employee working for you to earn more money.” These ideas are not new. He just reiterates them.
c) He does a very good job of illustrating how working from paycheck to paycheck will you get you absolutely nowhere.
How I feel about it:
It had some very good ideas but you have to sift through pages and pages of poorly written bullshit to find the nuggets. I would not buy this book simply because I wouldn’t suggest to people to support such a sloppy piece of writing. Borrow it from the library, read it once, and you’ll get what you need out of it and never have to re-read it again. It’s so badly written it’s actually painful to read.
3) The last book I read:
I just finished “The Millionaire Next Door” and I’m currently reading “Affluenza” and “The Millionaire Mind.” These three books, interestingly enough, all have a similar theme: hyper-consumption and the problems it leads to. The two Millionaire books talk about how spending every bit of money you have and then spending even more on credit is extremely bad for you financially. “Affluenza” talks about how Americans shop and shop and shop, and how our consumptive lifestyle hurts ourselves, our communities, and our environment. Interesting books.
4) Five books that mean a lot to me:
Golly…. hmmm… I like Lord of the Rings and Jane Austen’s books for the same reason: these books are poetry in the narrative word. I’ll re-read paragraphs from these books simply because of how beautifully they are written. Oh, “Memoirs of a Geisha” is also very very well written. I like Suze Orman’s financial books. I like a lot of what Dr. Andrew Weil has to say.
Hmmm…. but books that have changed my life? That’s hard to say. Books are ubiquitous in my life. Each book changes me a bit, each book presents new ideas that I incorporate sometimes without even knowing it.
5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out in their ljs:
Lol :)) I don’t know five people in LJ. I know grieve and jmgregg but they haven’t written in their LJ’s in over a year. 🙂 I just know one other person other than amawahibiki:
1. prezzey Go for it, prezzey! 🙂
2. There is also Kelsey. She is part of another Live Journal community, but I can still “tag” her, can’t I? Heh heh, the online journal communities are cross-pollinating. (BTW, Kelsey, if you read this, jmgregg is Justy. 🙂 But he hasn’t updated his journal for awhile, I think because he doesn’t have an internet connection at his new apartment. grieve is Dudley, the fellow we all went indoor rock climbing with. And amawahibiki is Daniel, my online Jewish friend who I always talk about.)
3. Can I also “tag” Thomas? He hosts his own online journal, not being part of an online journal community. But it still counts, right?
I have been so quiet because Lily was born on January 01, 2005 at 10:38am. I could not have an epidural because my platelet count was 65. They gave me demoral but I still got to experience all the pain of childbirth.
I didn’t know the body could feel that much pain and not pass out. That is the most pain I have ever experienced. I feel like I have gone through a rite of passage and now I stand, holding my baby in my arms, alongside all the other mothers who have gone through that experience.
And I’m in love with my daughter. I just adore her. I was so worried about feeling resentment, but I don’t have that feeling at all. I feel tired and overwhelmed, but not resentful. I snuggle her and smell her and adore her. Once again, I feel like I can stand alongside the other mothers because now I know the love they feel for their children — it’s intense. Matt and my mom took her all last night so I could get some sleep, but I didn’t sleep very well. I was worried about her and missed her. They were very sweet to do that for me and I tried my best to sleep, but it wasn’t until I had her back in my arms this morning that I finally relaxed.
I have changed as I knew I would. I wonder what the new me will be like.
Did I mention that I miss being hip? Can you be 36-years-old, a new mother, and hip?
I just talked to Matt… well, first let me back up and give a bit of history. I’ve been feeling some very intense emotions these past couple of days since the nurse told me I was dilated and this baby was on her way to greet the world. I have mainly been feeling anger and resentment because all my free time will now belong to Lily and not to me. I told my sister that I felt like I should hold a wake for myself and mourn my passing as I will now just be an extension of my child. I’ve been very moody and cranky and, in general, not very good company to Matt. We’ve been very “off” with each other for the past couple of days… kind of snipey and moody with each other.
And of course I thought Matt must be feeling the same thing I was, so I asked him what was going on with him, expecting him to answer that he was feeling resentful about losing all his free time. He wasn’t feeling that at all. He said he was feeling inadequate as a provider.
I found this surprising at first and then interesting. We are both feeling intense emotions within our chosen roles in the family unit. I am the nurturer and caregiver, and all my energy and time must go towards this new little life now and not myself. Matt is the provider, and now he has a tiny baby that is completely dependent on him for a home, food, health insurance, money for pre-school and clothes, and all the other things the provider is responsible for.
That’s a lot of pressure for a man to be under. I don’t think it is easy to become a father. I’ve been so wrapped in all my own emotions and becoming a mother that I didn’t see what Matt was going through. This is a very emotionally intense time for both of us.
I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced at my obstestrician’s appointment last Wednesday. When the nurse told me, I started crying. Matt and I are so scared now that it is real and not just “Oh, we’re having a baby.” She’s on her way out, and we are going to be completely responsible for this little life. It’s terrifying. The nurse was saying, “This is so exciting” while I was crying, saying, “I want my mom.”
The nurse said that my doctor will probably induce me Thursday or Friday of next week after she returns from her vacation. So I have one week… one week before everything in my life completely changes.
And I will change. I changed after I got married… my personality changed quite drastically. Certain attributes that had been latent surfaced and other attributes faded into the background. And it’s going to happen again; it’s already started happening. Angel version 5.0 is about to be born into the world along with her daughter.
I’m so scared. I’m so glad that I will have my husband, my mom, and my sister with me. I’m so glad that I’m not alone.