Matt, Damian, and I
Surfside Beach, Texas
20 April 2008

I returned an aquatic plant to Petco yesterday.  Our Macquarium betta tank is a very low-light tank.  The java fern, java moss, and moss ball are doing really well with the extreme low light, but this other aquatic plant (I don’t know what it was) was not thriving.  When I was talking with the manager, I told her, “This little guy is not doing well in my tank — not living, not dying.”

As I was driving home, I was thinking about that statement: not living, not dying.  When I talked about it with Mom and Deb, I mentioned that it was the environment that had created that condition, and what environments did they think created the same condition for people.  Mom immediately said, “Work.”  They started naming jobs that destroy the human spirit: mining, factory work, etc.

But as I was lying in bed this evening, getting the baby to sleep, I was planning and prioritizing.  What do I need to do?  What is the first step?  Everything in my life seems beyond my control.  I feel like I have too much to do and too little time, so I get farther and farther behind and finally give up… which of course leads to mild depression.

I was thinking: first things first, I need to clean up.  Clean up my body, clean up my house, clear my mind.  I am suffocating in clutter and mess, inside and out.  I feel like I’m living in a fog from all the unhealthy food, abuse of caffeine, and lack of exercise.

And I thought of that statement again:  not living, not dying.  And I’m going to tack on another quote from Crazy Sexy Cancer:  “Fish are only as healthy as the water they swim in.”  What if we ourselves are creating the toxic environment that does not allow us to thrive?  The fast food, the lack of exercise, the fast-paced life filled with cheap, disposable stuff — this is the environment we create voluntarily.  And through our own actions, we simply exist.   We live a life dampened and covered in a haze of fog.  Not living, not dying.

So I’m beginning an experiment.  I’m cleaning up my personal environment.  I’ll let you know what it’s like — if there is any difference — on the other side.  But it will take awhile.  I’ve made quite a mess of my body.