I’m in a much better mood today. I was feeling very trapped by Lily yesterday which I think is pretty obvious by the entry.

That’s the thing about journals: they are like photographs in that they capture a single moment in time. But life isn’t static, and so moods, thoughts, actions — everything — constantly moves. But a journal entry is a written photograph of a moment — a single emotion or idea captured in words.

(It’s nice to be writing again, even if it’s just journal entries. I haven’t written in a very very long time.)

Toddlers are just so much work. Mothers of grown-up children always tell me, “Oh, before you even blink, they are 25 and moved out of the house. It happens too fast.” And I want to reply, “Not when you have a toddler. When you have a toddler, time stands still.” But I don’t say that. I will probably be saying the same exact thing they are saying when Lily is 25-years-old.

I read a comic strip by Shannon Wheeler where one of the characters said, “Somewhere between expectation and nostalgia, you think I would have been happy.” It seems a very sad statement, but there is a bit of truth to it… just a bit. I don’t want it to be completely true because it is too sad. But sometimes, the moment is difficult and painful.

Anyways, blah blah blah — I’m feeling much better now. I’m off to Taco Cabana with the Munchkin to get some breakfast now.

I’ve been trying to form some identity other than “Lily’s mom.” I feel like I don’t exist anymore; I am merely an extension of Lily. I have been consumed by a toddler. Even as I write this, I am standing up at my desk to type because if I sit down she will crawl over me. Between every other word, I stop to take something she has grasped from my desk and return it but farther up on the desk just beyond her reach.

I can do nothing that I want to do. It’s difficult to even write a journal entry. I only exist for her.

And I am so sad…. so so sad. Each day is a weight; each minute feels like indentured servitude. And I’m angry at being in this situation.

And then there is the inevitable guilt for even thinking these thoughts. A endless loop of guilt, sadness, and anger. Looping and looping and looping, day after day.

I love her so much, and I’m missing these precious moments in her life as my vision and emotions are covered with so much unhappiness.

I’ve got to change something, but what? This isn’t right for either her or I.

I’m so unhappy….

I keep having a horse show up in my daydreams. I don’t do my thinking only in words — I think a lot in pictures, metaphors, and symbols. Perhaps a lot of people think this way, I don’t know. But I definitely do.

And then my conscious mind has to interpret the symbols. It’s actually a lot of fun. When I was younger, from a small child through my college years, I thought in symbols and metaphors a lot. Then my mind became more literal and lingual. For many years, the metaphors were gone. I missed them. It was always fun interpreting the images.

And then out of nowhere, after years of literal thinking, along comes a horse. It was when I was feeling happy and free, my mind would show me a horse galloping with freedom and majesty. Sometimes I would be riding the horse, sometimes it was just the horse running in the wild.

At first I thought, “Oh that’s a pretty image” and give it no more thought. The metaphors had been missing from my life for so long. But the horse kept coming back again and again. Then I would be petting the horse, stroking him under the neck and feeling his muscle, strength, and his unbounded freedom and happiness with my hands.

I finally got the hint. My mind was giving me a symbol, or the universe was giving me a message. Something.

So I looked up horse animal totems on the net. However, none of the information I found helped. None of it corresponded to what I was feeling. There was a disconnect between the information on the web and the feelings inside me when this horse would visit.

Then, when the horse showed up again, majestic and beautiful — full of life and love — I simply asked him, “Why are you here?” And he said, “Let go.”

That’s all he would say whenever I asked a question. “Let go.”

Let go of the fear that’s holding me back. Let go of the lack of self-confidence. Let go of the cage I have kept myself in. Let go and live.

It’s nice to be thinking in metaphors again. I highly recommend it. Although the answers do sometimes come in riddles.

IM Conversation with Matt

So I’ve been writing every day while the baby takes her nap. And writing can be very difficult sometimes because you don’t know if what you have written is utter shite or not. So I have a quote I have been repeating to myself to keep the doubt at bay: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

So the doubt came creeping at my doorstep today, and I repeated my mantra: “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” I would write a book. And not just a book — a masterpiece — a novel that would touch someone.

I would connect.

And that’s when it dawned on me why I write. It’s to connect. Other people go to parties or talk on the phone. I write. I write to connect… to feel another.

And now I know why I love to write. It’s a lovely reason, don’t you think? 🙂

I’ve been surfing blogs, and quite a few blogs post a picture with each entry. I really like this idea. I probably won’t post a picture with every entry, but I am going to start posting pictures. Photos are very entertaining.

This is my super amazing husband (sometimes I can’t believe my luck in having him for a husband) and my beautiful daughter in a trackie that her Auntie Shelly bought her for her first birthday.

Writing is actually fun this time. I’m going slower and not putting so much pressure on myself to already be finished. I’m trying to craft each sentence, each paragraph. It’s a lot of fun.

But it does take time. I probably spent four hours on writing today. I don’t know if I can spend that kind of time everyday. I still need to cook, do the dishes, the laundry, balance the check register, pay the bills, take Lily to her playdates, give Lily her bath, etc etc etc. Being a housewife is a tough gig. And very time-consuming. But writing offers me peace so I can be a better mom and wife, so I think it’s necessary to keep it in the normal routine.

I feel restless. It’s an undefined sense of need and desire pushing on the inside of me. Do it! Do it!! But my subconscious has failed to tell me what “it” is. So I feel restless with no direction.

A craving, a yearning, a hunger… but for what?

Create.

“Hey Chiquita, what’s up with the new layout?” you ask. Well by golly, let me tell you. I’m playing around with the design for my fabulous new website and I had to change the colors and width of my LJ to fit into the design. Matt made the design for me. He’s quite creative. It’s obvious that he’s his mother’s son. (His mother is a very talented artist.) Check it out: Angel’s Desk.

I did it! I registered a domain and signed up for hosting! I’m so excited! I’m just so happy. *sniff sniff* I think I’m going to cry.

It will take a couple of days for the domain name registration to complete and the DNS servers to populate. My domain name is www.angelsdesk.com. What will I put up? I have to come up with a design! I’m so excited. Lovely domain… lovely lovely domain… :))

I love this woman’s blog. All the other blogs I read regularly are people who I know. This lady, Andrea Scher, has such interesting thoughts about life, and I love her photography! It makes me want to go get a camera and photograph the world. I’ve even been cruising Nikon’s and Canon’s websites. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a decent camera.

I’ve also been longing for my own website. That desire should burst open soon; it has been building inside of me for awhile. And I’ll have my own website again. A home on the web again — a place to create. *sigh* It’s been a long time. I just haven’t settled on a domain name yet….