Man, have I been funked out! One of three things could have caused it: 1) my monthly emotional cycle; 2) I’m taking Claritin everyday right now because of the Cedar and the Claritin may be causing it; or 3) I gave up sugar for the New Year. I haven’t had sugar since midnight Dec 31st, and I may be going through sugar withdrawal — yes, such a thing exists :). (Sugar is bad news for a lot of folks in my family. Our minds and bodies can’t handle it. My dad and my uncle have already developed Type II diabetes, and my mom and I are headed that way unless we clean up our diets.)

I really hope it’s not the Claritin. Cedar pollen will be in the air for another month-ish, and I have to take it everyday just to function.

Anyways, I feel the clouds clearing in my mind. I hate being in a funk — just hate it. And Matt feels the full force of my funks because he lives with me. I’m adding exercise into my daily routine to help defend against the funks.

Yesterday, I asked Matt why he really believed that I would quit eating sugar this time. I’ve tried so many times and failed. What made this time different? He said that you have to believe every time you try something, or you are just setting yourself up for failure. And, the funny thing is, I do believe I’ll do something every time I try it — every single time I try something, I believe in my heart that this will be the time I succeed. And then one day, I turn that corner without even realizing it, and I succeed.

This time I really am going to do regular exercise. This time I really am going to write a book. This time I really am going to stay off the sugar.

This time, I feel great!

I tried to write last night, and I wilted. I can write until I’m blue in the face in my journals (online and off), but, when I sit down to write my novel — my opus — I crumple up into the corner, destroyed by my own doubts and lack of self-confidence.

It’s so silly really. Why would I be given the desire to write, but then the crippling doubt that makes it nigh impossible? I don’t have writer’s block; I have writer’s doubt.

*sigh* I’ll try again tonight. One night, I’ll break through that wall of doubt and be on the other side. 🙂

I’m in the mood to write. I’m in the mood to create. But the reality of the situation is that we have all been sick for a week, and the house has become… well… let’s just call it “messy,” shall we? That’s a nice euphemism. We also have no clothes, and all my plants are begging for water. Everything was on hold for a week while we wallowed around in misery, and I prayed to {insert name of god here} to just let me and my family get better and out of that microcosm of pain.

What story should I write? A fantastic story? An inspirational and silly story? An autobiographical story? Whatever I choose to write in 2006, I need to actually finish a story. Shelly has this problem as well. Many beginnings and no endings. And Shelly is a very good writer; she writes romances.

I was thinking about Shelly and her lack of self-confidence when it comes to her own writing. I’ve read the beginnings of her stories, and she’s very good — real potential. But she doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see her own talent because her debilitating doubt blocks the view. And of course I thought of myself. Matt is always telling me that I am a good writer. Maybe I am. Maybe my own debilitating self-doubt blocks my view.

Shelly and I both want to finish a book this year. Maybe 2006 is the year. Maybe this is our year. 🙂

I purged and listed for the New Year… although I would like to purge some more. I backed up all my 2005 email and my 2005 financial records onto CD, and then deleted them from the computer. My inbox and my check register are shiny and empty now, waiting to fill up with new adventures.

Now I’m ready to do more purging in my house. Time to go through the closet and get rid of clothes I haven’t worn in a year. Time to clean out drawers. And definitely time to clean out the garage. There is so much I can throw away, recycle, or send to Goodwill.

Purge purge purge. It’s so cathartic. The now can’t squeeze into my life when it is cluttered with the past.

It makes Matt nervous when I purge though. He’s not a purger. But I just can’t help it. I love the feeling of letting go, and then watching what new things flow in. It’s like unblocking a stream, and then feeling the fresh, cool water flow past your skin.

I love the New Year. It’s a time of hope and promise.

We have all been really sick this past week. It’s the sickest I’ve been in over ten years. Matt actually called in sick to work every day last week.

Today has been the first day that I have even begun to feel normal. I was surrounded by this dark haze of pain, and now I can see outside myself again. And I was walking around the house a moment ago, and it is a wreck!! Our house hasn’t been this bad in awhile. It’s so bad because we’ve all been sick for a week. There’s stuff everywhere.

Time to clean up. 🙂 Boy, I’m glad I’m feeling better. I’m still a little ill, but at least I’m not in the nightmare of pain that I was in — that we all were in.

Christmas is two days away, and I’m very excited about it. 🙂 We have most of our Christmas presents completed and wrapped… we handmade about half the presents this year. We’re heading out to my dad’s house in Conroe early tomorrow morning. We’re hoping to be on the road by 5:30am. We have to leave that early because we have to travel while the baby is sleeping. She doesn’t take kindly to being stuck in her carseat for long periods of time. We’re also taking Sarah and Logan in our car, and it’s better if Logan sleeps during the journey as well. Long car journeys are painful for small kids.

And Matt didn’t have to go to work today! I’m so happy when he stays home. He and the Munch went to the post office and then are picking up McDs for breakfast on the way home. *sigh* I love Christmas. And did I mention my husband has off today? And Monday as well. 🙂

I had such a hard day today. I don’t know what my problem is… although it could be the nine cookies I ate with a caffeinated drink (tea), and then the subsequent crash. The baby was just…. just…. ah, I just couldn’t take her today.

But that’s just it, isn’t it? Even on my “off” days, I still have a baby to care for, to love — a baby that requires patience. There’s no vacation when you have an infant; you don’t even get to call in sick.

Matt took her when he got home from work. They went off to the post office and then to Target to get a magenta ink cartridge. I have about two hours to myself. Two blissful hours. Two heavenly, blissful hours. Do you hear that? Silence. Lovely silence. Shhh… listen again. It sounds so peaceful. And no baby clinging to my leg asking for her every need to be met by me.

It’s funny — even though I’m so happy to have this time to myself, I still miss her when she’s gone. Being a mom is a quirky thing.

Well, before I do an entry about today, I really should finish the story from last entry. Matt got out of bed while I was up writing my entry, and then we stayed up for about two more hours and worked things out. I am still special. 🙂 I hope our marriage never falls over into such a mundane routine that we are no longer special to each other. We’ve been married four and a half years — and we even have an infant now — but our marriage is still warm and loving.

The baby is sick. Oh the pain! And I don’t mean hers. She cries and cries and there is nothing I can do to comfort her because she is crying about how she doesn’t feel good. My head feels like it’s going to burst! My little sad sweetie is sleeping right now. Hopefully her little body will fight off some of the sickness and she’ll feel better when she wakes up. She’s been sick since Sunday. I think Matt and I are coming down with it now. It starts in the throat (like a lot of colds do).

I want to do a scrapbook of her first year, but I’ve never scrapbooked before. I talked to Deb about it since she has a lot more experience than I do. I think I’m going to go up there for a couple of days at the first of the year and learn from the master.

I’m making another calendar for the family for Christmas. I like these calendars. They’re fun to make and fun to have all year.

Merry Christmas. 🙂

It’s 2:30am and I can’t go to sleep because I’m really angry at Matt right now. We got into a fight tonight, and, once upon a time, he would not be able to go to sleep until our fight had been resolved. But right now, he’s fast asleep. What does that say about our relationship? What has happened in the last few years that he can now go to sleep even though we are in the middle of a fight?

I guess I used to feel special, and now that life has fallen into the routine and mundane, I don’t. It makes me really sad.

I’ve had a very strange few days. My friend Glenn died four days ago in a car accident. He was 34-years-old, married with two young children. The youngest, Josh, is the same age as Lily. He was born three days after Lily.

Glenn is going to be missed so badly by so many people. And it’s just weird that he’s gone. It’s just…. weird. I just always expected him to be around. And then out of nowhere *poof!* he’s gone.

It wasn’t fair. I never thought I would say that. I have always thought that was a silly thing to say. But there it is. It wasn’t fair. He was so young and so good and so alive. And it’s not fair to his children.

My life has been on hold for four days as I have tried to come to terms with the change in my world. His funeral was today. A funeral always brings closure. And for the first time in four days, I feel like doing things again.

Goodbye, Glenn. I’ll see you on the other side, and it’ll be really nice to see you again.