I miss Gene really badly sometimes. I was an idiot — young and stupid.
I had an epiphany yesterday. Life is now and life is everything. I used to think “As soon as I finish the dishes, I’ll start my life,” or “As soon as the baby goes down for a nap, I’ll start my life,” or “As soon as I get the house clean, I’ll start my life.” But what I realized is that doing the dishes is life, feeding the baby her breakfast is life, cleaning the toilets is life. Life isn’t on hold while I do these things and then start up again when I do something I enjoy, like going to the park or eating a relaxing lunch with my family. Life is always.
Before I was impatient to get through the cleaning, hating every minute of it, because I wanted to get back to life. Now cleaning isn’t so bad. I no longer feel like I’m holding up my life to clean. It’s just part of life.
Hmmm… that wasn’t a very eloquent entry. Too bad I couldn’t think of better words to describe my realization. It really did make a difference. I don’t hate cleaning anymore.
Well, I’ve been feeling much better these last few days. I had been funking out pretty hard for a couple of weeks, and the fog finally lifted.
Matt and I have made a Financial Plan that I’m really pleased with. We’re posting the money coming in and where it is all going on the fridge in a “Need and Want List.” That way, our money situation is always visible. It’s easy to forget where the money is going and then spend it on frivolous crap you don’t need or even want after a couple of months. I’m really pleased with this idea.
And we’ve cut out sugar! Finally! It took forever to finally do it. I’ve been trying to cut out sugar for months now! I’m such a sugar-holic. One is too many and a million is never enough. I’m pre-diabetic (I had gestational diabetes and members from both sides of my family have Type II diabetes — these factors put me at high risk), and sugar was always trouble. It’s so nice to be getting the sugar monkey off my back.
So, I’m finally up. I hate being down. Some people say it’s necessary — cycle of life, yin and yang, that sort of thing — but why? I don’t like being down. I don’t want to be down. I don’t like being sick either. I like being happy, healthy and energetic. 🙂
And now the task I’ve been putting off for so long it has become a huge mess… The Bills. *sigh* What a mess I’ve let it become. Oh well, may as well start wading through the heap.
I feel like I’m running on a treadmill.
You know, I can’t be the only one who has thought of that expression: “running on a treadmill.” I’m going to google it and see how many hits I get……. okay, back. There’s another blog that used the expression and an Oingo Boingo song with the same name. Apparently, me and Danny Elfman think alike. How cool am I? 😉
Anyways, I’m getting nowhere really really fast… really fast………. really really fast…. nowhere.
And I’m getting really frustrated about it. And overwhelmed. And sad.
Always waiting… for the next cold front… for the baby to go to sleep… for the holidays… for the weekend… for Matt to come home… for a nicer home… for a better climate… for a bigger car…
Always waiting. Vaguely dissatisfied.
I don’t like this attitude of mine. I shall endeavor to change it.
I don’t want to live in Texas anymore. I have lived in a semi-arid climate on the edge of a desert long enough. No more 108 degrees faranheit. No more drought. No more short, stubby trees that struggle for life without water or soil. No more brown, prickly grass.
I want rain and lush greenery. I want thick, dark soil and trees that reach up into the sky. I want flowers and rivers. I want winter.
I’m ready to move. But we can’t move yet. Matt and I are both in the middle of projects. He is very involved with his work. He’s written the software and he wants to see it become successful. And he really likes his boss and co-workers. I’ve discovered that I can get my CPA from a course they offer here at the community college. But when these projects are finished, I am so ready to move.
Did I mention I want rain and plants and cold? *sigh* I really am tired of the heat.
Ah, a quiet moment. Silence. Matt has taken the munchkin to Fry’s to get a new DVD drive for my computer and some blank DVDs.
Quiet.
I’ve been having a lively discussion on one of my mailing lists, and I have been wanting to sort out my thoughts regarding the discussion for awhile. But life doesn’t allow for many breaks with a nine-month-old in the house.
Ah, quiet.
We got back from England last night — what a loooong journey that is. And the baby was fantastic! That journey is hard on an adult, and she did very well.
I cried when we left. I hated separating Lily from Matt’s parents. We’re talking about moving to England now to be closer to Matt’s family, but that won’t happen for at least five years. It was very sad.
I’ve been up since 3:30am — jet lag. I’m catching up on email and such. Still a bit tired though. That was a really long journey.