So I have given myself a fairly rigorous work schedule, and I just can’t keep up with it. But there are so many things I want to do. To do them all, I have to have a very full day every day. And, currently, I am unable to keep up such a schedule. I don’t have the crazy energy that my mom has, although I wish I did. 🙂

Hmmm…. I thought I had more to say. I am supposed to write three “pages” a day in my journal. Of course, “pages” are pretty subjective on an online journal, so it’s more like “three pages worth.”

I can see my goals more clearly now, which is nice. But is is soooo much work, and… well… I’m kind of lazy. And to achieve these goals, I certainly need to quit being lazy. Lazy people can barely get into grad school and they certainly don’t graduate, and that is one of the foremost goals.

So how does one quit being lazy? Here is one of my favorite quotes:

Be aware of your thoughts because they determine your habits.
Be aware of your habits because they determine your behaviour.
Be aware of your behavior because it determines your character.
Be aware of your character because it determines your destiny.

I don’t think I need to change my thoughts. I’m pretty pleased with my desires and goals. But my habits are sadly lacking. And changing habits is no easy thing– that is a lot of work. But I shall keep trying.

In the vein of changing habits, Shelly and I are “buddies” now in our diet. We both desperately want to lose weight, and I read that having a buddy helps. You tell your buddy every day what you ate and what you did for exercise. This keeps your eating habits and your exercise habits upper-most in your thoughts. And, by keeping them at the forefront of your thoughts, you slowly change your eating and exercise habits. It certainly seems like a logical, sound idea. So we are going to try it! Once again, it’s a lot of work to write an email every day about what I have eaten and what I did for exercise, but I really do want to lose weight.

I have two reasons why I want to lose weight. The first is nothing by vanity: I want to look pretty. The second is for fun: I want to wear fun clothes! I love clothes! I have always loved clothes but been too shy and too displeased with my body to ever act upon that desire. But I am getting older! I don’t have time to be shy! There is a window for everything, and I want to do this while the window is open!

But losing weight requires discipline and work– neither of which I have in abundance. *sigh* But I shall try to change my habits… try to change my personality. After all, life is always about change, isn’t it?

On a completely different topic, Carla is unhappy and has been unhappy for a long time. I hate to see her like this, but I don’t know what to do. She seems adrift… lost. I wanted to talk to her about this. I don’t know if I can do anything to help. I doubt I can. But I really hate seeing her so unhappy…. every day, so unhappy. She has brief moments of light, and then she descends into the darkness again. And I don’t know why. Not enough money? Too many kids? Too much responsibility? All the work that four kids require (and it is a massive amount of work)? Her marriage? Not enough time to just be by herself? I don’t know what it is. But it makes me very sad. 🙁

We did it. After yet another fight, after yet another day without interacting with each other like a husband and wife, we decided to truly quit EverQuest. Right when the decision was made, we logged on to our accounts and told the guild we were leaving. We gave all our money and equipment to the guild. We were going to delete our characters, but the guild wanted to keep them. So we gave Kibek our station names and passwords and asked him to change the passwords so we couldn’t log on. Then, after a tearful goodbye to the guildies, we logged off, uninstalled the game, and cancelled our accounts.

It was like coming out into the sunlight after being in a dark tunnel for a very long time. I was so relieved. Yesterday evening, when we were driving around and I was commenting on how pretty the sunset and sky was and how lovely the wind felt, Matt said that I had a different presence about me the last couple of days. He said I was happier and I am. We haven’t been outside in so long. We haven’t done anything except play EverQuest in so long.

I am happier. I’m a lot happier.

I am trying to get the EQ monkey off my back. It isn’t easy for several reasons:

1) I enjoy the game;

2) My husband enjoys the game;

3) My guildmates encourage me not to quit.

But I just have… I just have to. My life is flying by me, each second passing unnoticed… unlived. I spend my time trying to get level 56 so I can have 96% rezz.

So I quit EverQuest. I hope I can stay off it. I don’t think my husband realizes how important this is to me. I want to change. I feel like I haven’t been experiencing life. And I want to change.

I have been so bad!! I have done nothing for a week. Nothing!! I have played EverQuest, slept late, and surfed the net.

I feel so nothing. A rollie-pollie blob of nothing.

I have to change this.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.

I think this could also be said of human motivation and work. If you are motivated and working you tend to stay motivated and working, and if you stop, it takes force of will to get yourself started again.

So I think the best plan is not to stop. 🙂

It’s difficult to do everything that I want to do. I want so many things. I want to do so many things and I want material things. I asked Matt how to juggle the desire for material things with the desire to not become materialistic. I thought he had a very good answer. He said that it is a balance. He said that if you say you don’t want anything then you are living a lie. It’s natural and okay to desire things. But at the same time, you still help people and treat people with kindness and respect. I liked this answer.

Because I was thinking of all the things I wanted. My list of desires:

1) I want to own my own successful business writing novels on the web. And I want the sisters to work together and make lots of money so all of our families are well provided for. And this part may seem silly, but I really want an office that I can decorate! Isn’t that too bizarre? But there ya go. I already have large portions of the office laid out and decorated in my head. I see things in stores and think, “That will look so good in the future office of the future successful publishing company that I own and operate with my sisters.” I want cool, well-organized bookkeeping files for the future successful company as well.

2) I want to write novels that ring like poetry. I want to write stories that will live deep in the soul. I want to transform sentences into sonorous flowers and novels into lush gardens in which the reader can smell the scent and feel the air.

3) I want my home to be peaceful, homey, clean, and full of warmth. And I want all the clutter to be gone. I want it to be organized and simple-ish. I realize that I can’t be entirely simple because I like stuff, but I want it to be lot less cluttered and a lot more simple than it currently is. I want warm colorful walls, inviting furniture, and plants everywhere. I want a home that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I certainly don’t have that right now. My house makes me cry. It is always messy and very very uninviting– it is a place that I run from at the moment, and that’s very sad.

4) I want to wear cute clothes. I really really want to wear cute clothes. Witchy clothes. Flowing dresses that remind people of wind, vibrant jewelry, and pink lips. I am sick (very very sick) of being an unremarkable, beige piece of paper. I hear my destiny calling.

5) I want to explore my spirituality. I hear whispers in my heart beckoning me down that path.

These are my main desires. I go to bed with them buzzing around in my head, and I wake up in the morning still thinking about them ceaselessly.

Now. This moment. The first step. The next step. Only now. Only now exists.

It’s 10:30am GMT at the Woodings Household in Lincoln, Lincs. England, and I am the only one awake at the moment. We sung in the New Year with Damian and Sarah. I learned that Auld Lang Syne is a Scottish song and that the New Year is more of a celebration than even Christmas for the Scots. Now I would like to go to Scotland for the New Year one year. 🙂

We watched a Scottish show that counted down to the New Year, and the presenter said something that I liked: “If there was anything you meant to do or anything you meant to say in 2003, it’s too late now. It’s the New Year.” I always considered the New Year as a time of hope and renewal. But I think I shall now also consider it a time of letting the past go. Whatever I had wanted to say or accomplish in 2003, well… it’s too late now. Let that go and proceed forward with a fresh mind and fresh heart.

Matt made a wish for the New Year and I made resolutions. Matt wished the things would go well for us– that 2004 would be a good year for us. I made a few preliminary resolutions:

1) Lose 1 lb each week. (I have enough thoughts on this subject for entire entry– not only on gaining weight, but on people’s perception of overweight people and the crippling psychological effect that has.)

2) Write 5 pages each day, Monday through Friday.

3) Clean 1 thing each day.

I also want to put something in there about training Lani, but I haven’t worked that one out yet. She needs to be trained because she is such a busy and inquisitive dog, and I also feel like her potential is being wasted. If I took the time to train her, she would be an amazing dog and we would have a tighter bond.

I talked with Matt’s friend, Simon, and his wife more on this trip to England. I really like those two. They are unpretentious, open, smile and laugh a lot, and like dogs. 🙂 If we ever did manage to visit England in the summer, I would like to visit them. They live in Derbyshire (that would be where Mr. Darcy comes from), and apparently it’s very peaceful and pleasant there.

And speaking of peaceful, Damian took us, as well as Allison and Ben, on his canal boat for an afternoon on the canals. It was so nice! I recommend that for anyone who is visiting England. Look up the canals and canal boats as an idea for something to do while you are here. It was peaceful and wonderful. You’ll have to learn how to operate the locks and the etiquette between the boaters on the canal, but that shouldn’t be too hard. We learned all that in an afternoon. And don’t be in a hurry. I think you can walk faster than canal boats travel, but it is very peaceful.

Finally, we met Ben’s girlfriend, Allison, on this trip, and Matt and I both really like her. If she is to be my sister-in-law one day, then I am very pleased. 🙂

Happy New Year. :))

I miss my old life sometimes…. my single life with my single friends doing silly single activities. I gained a lot when I got married, but I lost a lot too. I never missed my childhood. People reminisce about high school or being a kid or even college. The time that I ache for is the time after college but before I got married… the time with Gene.

But my life has changed now and this is where I am now. And time only goes forward, never backward.

So I am becoming more and more New Age-y. This is a major problem for me. Here’s an anology: say someone was raised Southern Baptist and their family is devout Southern Baptist. Now, this person has decided to become atheist. The family would freak and constantly preach to the poor soul.

Well, my situation is like the opposite of that. I come from a family of engineer-type skeptical atheists. Any kind of religion is right out. And New Age stuff is for crack pots.

So I’m having trouble coming to terms with my spirituality. It’s hard to diverge from your family… very hard.

I have been feeling swamped with information lately. It’s the web’s fault. The WWW is a massive library– a library beyond anyone’s imagination. A very disorganized library, but a library none the less.

Now, take a person like me who is interested in about a million different things, has the attention span of a two-year-old, and loves to read. The internet becomes both our best friend and our worst enemy. I spend hours reading and reading, my mind taking flights of fancy as I read about each new idea and each new thought. I feel exhilarated and lost at the same time.

It’s soooo much. Too much? No, I don’t think too much, but it is a lot and requires time to read. 🙂